Complicated Grief
Grief is complicated. Quite literally every aspect of the process feels like unraveling a mystery and swimming against the current. Your head knows a reality your heart wants to reject. You feel like your past, present and future are all forever tainted by death’s sting. Confusing emotions get all intertwined and it is complex to sort through it all, day in and day out while trying to function. All of this happens while at the same time you are reaching with all the strength you can muster to take even the tiniest baby steps forward. This is indeed a perfect picture of the word….complicated. The question is, is my grief journey “complicated”? Professionals like to use the term “complicated” to describe a grief journey that isn’t moving forward productively or is “stuck” in some aspect of the process.
According to the mayoclinic.org, “In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life.” Some mental health experts say that if you use words like intense, debilitating and persistent to describe the pain of your grief after 12 months since the death, then your grief may be complicated. But what about all those other books out there that say grief can take months for some and many many years for others and that no two grief journeys are ever identical. They are as unique as the person grieving and the special and rare type of relationship you shared. How are we supposed to feel free to grieve in whatever way our individual journey needs to take when we are assigned a label of complicated grief because we still miss our husbands intensely after 12 months.
Truly grief is complicated on so many levels and even contradicting. For example, we read of the importance of thinking about how we are feeling and then using our words to express, describe, process and release those feelings. Then we read, thinking constantly about the loss and the person who died could be a sign of complicated grief because this is termed “ruminating.” So if I am honest that after just 1 year I still miss him incredibly and think of him frequently, this means I am stuck in complicated grief?
I can’t imagine ever having a day when I don’t think of my wonderful husband and the father our children. I just can’t.
What are your thoughts on complicated grief?
Have you ever gone a day without thinking of your late spouse?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
Hi Dorothy,
My husband just passed on March 18, 2024 from cancer and infection. He had only been in hospice for 20 days when we were told he could have months. We had been together 20 years and married 14 with two amazing kiddos aged 13 and 7. I would be lying if I said that our marriage was perfect, if anything it was far from which is why I think that I am suffering from such intense guilt. Days before his passing we were able to say the things that needed to be said and that hadn’t been said in a long time. Deep down inside he felt that this battle with cancer would be his last, his gut feeling was that he would die due to complications. I hate that he was right and I hate that I couldn’t due more to fix it.
Hi Lindsey. My heart goes out to you during this time of the the loss being fresh and raw and intense. I am thankful you took the time to share your story here with us in the comments. My prayers are with you as you are beginning this challenging journey of grieving the loss of your husband. Please know you aren’t alone in your pain, though I know sometimes it will feel very much like you are. Please continue to feel free to visit here and read and comment and share your heart and know others care very much about your sorrow.
Hiya Dorothy,
Complicated Grief is hard. I was diagnosed 4 years after my husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly. We shared a family meal with lots of laughter and fun the night before and then I found his body in our hot tub the next morning. The autopsy was inconclusive and I waited for 6 months before I got confirmation of a cause of death from the medical examiners office. He had a genetic heart condition that was sadly never diagnosed.
This grief was different than other grief I have experienced (my mother when I was 11, my first husband when I was 29). I realized I had something more complicated going on when I found the grief getting harder and more debilitating over time. Year 1 was awful, but each year got harder. I finally reached out for support from a trauma counsellor. She was able to help me using EMDR (which is a process used to treat people with post traumatic stress disorder). I am doing way better now.
I still feel sad, and miss my beautiful man everyday, but I am also feeling more peaceful and able to move forward in rebuilding my life. I have days that are full of joy that I wish I could share with him, but I am at peace with myself and able to imagine a new future for me.
I so appreciate you sharing your journey with grief and loss and complicated grief as well. I have heard so much about EMDR lately. So great to speak with someone who found it to be so helpful. I am so glad you are able to feel more peaceful and able to rebuild your life now.
My husband passed away unexpectedly just 21 months ago. I remember hearing the term and my first thought was that this is complicated. It’s complicated from day one. Our person is no longer with us or our kids, and life has changed. We were together 38 years, missing him always.
You are absolutely right. Everything about it is packed with complications. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
This caught my attention because I was diagnosed with complicated grief and started an antidepressant after I lost my husband to suicide… I agree that it’s all complicated, and even though I am a Nurse and understand they have to have a way of defining a diagnosis, it’s really all just messy. For me, though, it was a blessing to have the intensity and severity of my loss recognized in a way, and though medications are not a Band-Aid or for everybody, it truly helps save my life at that time, as I almost passed the same way a number of times after his loss. When we start to get so low, we really need to see that we are worth every resource and doing anything to get the help we need, to keep going. There is help, and hope, out there for us.
Rachel – Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your horrific loss. I lost my husband of 28 years to suicide on Nov. 5, 2018. I agree with you that, while others find a diagnosis of Complicated Grief offensive, I do find that the diagnosis helps me to feel seen. People who haven’t experienced this see it as a choice we make. I admit that I’m stuck. The loss of my husband in such a sudden, traumatic way has completely devastated me, and I’m struggling to function. In many ways, I’m not functioning. I can see and feel that this isn’t “normal”, but it’s my life and my grief. I’ll continue to have therapy and take meds to enable myself to carry it the best I can.
It is wonderful to see people connecting here and sharing their stories and encouraging one another. Thanks so much for doing this and being willing to share.
Thank you for sharing so openly your experiences with complicated grief, mental health and antidepressants. Your vulnerable and well spoken words will be a help to many.
Hello Dorothy:
my husband has been gone 3 years and 2 months now and yes, I probably have complicated grief, though I’m trying hard to move forward. I’m a full time caregiver and life can be challenging and lonely.
To answer your question, no I don’t think that there has been a day that I haven’t thought of my husband.
I pray for you and indeed for all widows/widowers. Complicated grief is real. As has been expressed by others, many people don’t understand how debilitating spousal grief is, until perhaps they do experience it themselves.
Hoping/praying that those of us that may have complicated grief can find a way out of the darkness.
Blessings.
Michele
Hi Michele, Always a pleasure to find your comments. I appreciate your prayers and send prayers right back. Thanks for sharing your insights and experiences.
I’m 3.5 years away from the death of my beloved husband. All those definitions frightened me. Luckily I had an excellent grief counselor. I kept asking her “is this normal” and she would say I was just where I needed to be. In my life year one was total shock – to my brain, to my heart, to my life. I barely remember that year (it was also during pandemic shutdown) except feeling like Cinderella suffering alone with grief at the fireplace. Writing and reading helped me through as well as a few dear friends. Year two was almost more difficult as I now shock was gone and I was forced into realizing he simply will never come back and it was up to me to live. By the start of year three, I began eating, sleeping, and exercising normally. My friend & family support is solid. I even hum and laugh these days. I’m embracing my life, I feel strong, able, and curious again AND I still miss my beloved mightily. He will always live right inside me like a a bone that broke and has healed but is forever different.
Thank you for sharing your journey through three years of grief. It is so encouraging to hear all the positives you are experiencing during this third year. It is also so sweet and so beautifully described that you still miss your beloved mightily and he lives inside of you like a bone that broke and has healed but is forever different. I completely relate to both.