The Void
Life has gone on after the death of my husband. Many days it seems to drag on. New routines established, a new normal forced upon us, yet the void remains. Life without the gift of being in love feels so stagnant in so many ways. A great deal of monotony with no spark, no growing together, no dreams to share, and no one to love on. Life without my sweetheart is a life with a tremendous void. It is large and ever present. It is the void of the lack of a husband and the lack of a father for my two sons. And even after the progression of time and doing all the things that a widow is supposed to do well to grieve to pursue healing, the void remains.
It is a nasty hole with raw edges and nothing fits there. The only perfect fit of course would be my husband being back in our lives, but seeing that this isn’t an option, the hole still sits, right in the middle of my chest. I think as a Christian, we are to find a certain comfort from the verses in the Bible that speak of God being a father to the fatherless and a husband to the widows. I love the Lord, I respect his Holy Word, but I have yet to find the comfort that others seem to have found in these verses.
I know God loves my sweet little boys, but He doesn’t read them bedtime stories, wrestle and play, teach them to ride a bike, or one day to shave. He isn’t here with skin on so that my boys can watch and learn first hand. He isn’t here to say “I’m so proud of you son,” or to teach them man to man what it means to be a Godly husband one day. I have seen God provide others whom have been able to faithfully step up to encourage my boys in a few of these ways, however the void remains the void.
As a wife, I chuckled when the trash can blew half way across the neighborhood, “God you are my husband right….Can you please go get the trash can?” I know that he gives me the strength to do all that I need to do, but oh how much I miss actually sitting with my husband and discussing concerns, seeking advice and working as a team to do life together. I miss the hugs and affection. The encouraging words and sincere appreciation for all I do. The help with big decisions about our kid’s health and education. The fun. The laughter. I miss everything. The great and the small.
A little poem by me…..
Void
I’m here, but absent
Can you see right through me?
Grief has faded the vibrance from my life.
Do you remember me when I was happy?
I have lost her. Where did she go?
What will fill the empty hole?
I pray God’s love can close the void.
He revives the broken spirit and soul.
I’m desperate for His love to make me whole.
In Hope & Prayers,
This Widow Mama
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About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
Void perfectly describes it. My husband passed away unexpectedly almost two years ago and the void seems to grow more as time goes by. My son, daughter, and me still trying to find our way. Thank you for bringing such clarity, it is a void, and it remains.
I appreciate your comments so much. I am so glad we all aren’t alone in what we are experiencing and feeling on this difficult journey of grief.
Hi Dorothy,
“Void” is exactly the word for the aftermath of loss.
I know that nothing prepared me for the void and my now changed life following my husband’s passing. It occurs to me that had I put God at the very center of everything, then maybe this loss wouldn’t be quite so devastating. Perhaps young brides and grooms should be forewarned of the price of love; or perhaps not. I don’t know.
We can try to fill in the void—-with music, creative pursuits, movies, exercise, volunteering and helping others, reading and writing, traveling, etc… These things are all valid and do help to comfort and distract. But the void may linger. And I guess God tries to convince us that God alone will fill that void.
In the book Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Brontë, a newly engaged and in love Jane acknowledges, “My future husband was becoming to me my whole world; and more than the world: almost my hope of heaven. He stood between me and every thought of religion, as an eclipse intervenes between man and the broad sun. I could not, in those days, see God for His creature: of whom I had made an idol.” She captured it well.
Blessings. Michèle
Thank you for sharing your great insights and a very thought provoking quote. I so appreciate your comments here and how open and honest way of sharing!
Such a beautiful sharing. Thank you.