In addition to widows oftentimes finding their support network dwindling and their friends fading into the background, sometimes we may even find ourselves being blamed for our spouse’s life coming to an end.
I can’t speak for those who have been widowed by causes other than suic*de, but accusations started coming my way pretty early on.
Even after nearly seven years, I still get them now and again. The most recent was just the other day, on Instagram.
I had commented on a post discussing suic*de. Most of the people who reacted were absolutely lovely. I had never expected people to see my comment, let alone respond to it.
Of course, as is normal on social media, there are always trolls. One such troll decided to respond to my comment with – and I quote – “shite wife.”
🤮
My first reaction was (finally) to laugh at it. Normally, that type of thing is very triggering to me, as I was not only blamed by one of my late husband’s family members but I was accused of actually doing it myself.
I guess time really does heal because I wasn’t all that fazed by this nasty little remark. Of course, the person making it had a profile photo of a woman showing off her rear in tight yoga pants, and there was absolutely no content on the page. It’s pretty safe to say that this was nothing but a trap account for some bored teenager in a basement, who regularly yells for their mom to bring them another Hot Pocket.
The interaction was more annoying than anything else, but it did make me wonder, yet again, why people feel the need (and have the audacity) to blame the grieving spouse.
Sure, stories and movies about the all-too-glamorous yet cunning widow have been popular in the past, but come on. Have some decency and stop hurtling blame toward us. It’s not like we don’t already wake up every day knowing that our lives will never be the same again. Do people really think that acting this way toward us is the right thing to do?
I’m not even talking about the trolls, anymore. Trolls will be trolls and it’s always best not to feed them. What I’m referring to are the people like my late husband’s family member who went on to accuse me of being the one to actually unalive him. As a member of multiple suic*de widow groups, I see this all the time. I see it in the celebrity world as well.
It’s disgusting and I truly wish from the depths of my soul that there was some immediate penalty for those who do this.
After all this time, I have learned to deal with ignorance like that, even though it still stings a little.
I just have to wonder where people get the idea that it’s okay to say such things—because it is absolutely not okay.
If you have experienced this too, just know that I see you. As time goes on, it may hurt a little less, but it still hurts, all the same.
Graphic via Dementia Singapore
About Layla Beth Munk
Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.
Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.
Layla,
This article hit home for me. I have a similar situation. My husband and I were living apart at the time of his death at my choice due to his addiction. His sister, unfortunately, was the one who found him deceased. Now, she doesn’t talk to me unless it’s something absolutely necessary (paperwork that I get in his name every few months that really belongs to her). Neither do most of his other family members.
His sister blames me for causing his death feeling I abandoned him and shouldn’t have. She’s told this to other people who, in confidence, told me.
When their dad passed away a year and a half ago, she texted me to tell me but I had to find the arrangements online on my own. She and her husband acted surprised when I showed up and stayed for all of the services.
It’s sad because she has a (now 19 year old) son who I was close to for a very long time. He and I still text each other on holidays but that’s it.
I don’t feel guilty about anything I’ve done. I had to do what I did for my own mental health. I’m saddened by what’s happened with her but know (through a few years of counseling) that that is how she is dealing with her grief.
We’ll never have the same relationship we once did. It does hurt but that has lessened over the past four years since he passed away. -Deb
I’m sorry to hear that. Death takes more than our spouses, it takes the whole family sometimes.
Layla,
I don’t understand why people have to be so cruel when you were grieving. I had a similar situation in my family . My evil stepchild called the sheriff and told them I was trying to kill my husband.
The sheriff showed up and interviewed us separately. Needless to say her lies didn’t work out in her favor . She felt entitled to my husband’s life insurance and because of her false report removed her from his life insurance policy She told very expensive lies .He was my husband and she created quite a scene when she actually said she wished he would hurry up and die because she needed a bigger house . Law enforcement has bigger fish to fry than to deal with people lying to them. It’s hard enough to lose a spouse, especially the way you did . The end result is that she has no credibility .
I’m so sorry. This is not an easy path that we’ve had to walk. Hugs.