Four Years

Four years in to this grief journey which began mid October, 2021. The journey I was shocked to be walking at 36. The journey that try as I may, I will always be stuck on. Grief has got a hold of me and doesn’t intend to let go.

I don’t cry nearly as much now, though I certainly still have my moments when the tissues are a must and the waves of sorrow come. Thankfully, many triggers that once felt debilitating are much more tolerable now. Like the background music at department stores. Music was a huge challenge and trigger for me for about three years. “I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you,” was never a fun tune to hear over the speakers and it was pretty popular then. Now I can much more easily hear a sappy tune most days and keep in decent control of my mind and emotions.

In some way it is crazy to me that I have been grieving for four whole years. Where does the time go? I definitely can’t say “time flies when you’re having fun.” As every widow knows, absolutely nothing about this journey is fun. Some days felt like time had come to a screeching halt. I remember feeling like it would take all my efforts just to get through the next few miserable hours, let alone days which led to surviving weeks, months and then years. When your world has caved in sometimes all you can do is the next thing. Sometimes doing the next thing was to take the kids outside, sometimes it was to make myself eat.

It was and continues to be the worst challenge I have ever faced in life. The physical and obviously mental and emotional pain of losing my spouse was indescribably miserable. My story went from mountaintop giddy love and life with my best friend to a sudden rock bottom. After four years, I can’t help but realize the loss has changed me greatly and permanently.

Now comes the quest for identity. Who on earth am I now, four years after losing my sweetheart? Who am I now after four years of being molded by the stressors and pressures of single parenting, single home making, and constant loneliness? Who am I as a “me” instead of a “we?”

Hopefully next year at the five year mark I will have an even better idea of the answers to these questions. Until then I will just carry on in faith, one step at a time.

In Hope & Prayers,

From This Widow Mama

(Image courtesy of www.canva.com, quote from parade.com’s compilation of grief quotes)

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About Dorothy Swanson

Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.