Recently, I was thinking about all the challenges of being a widow. Some of these challenges can overwhelm a widow adjusting to life without a spouse and continue for several years afterwards. I am fortunate to oversee a widow’s support group in my city, and we were discussing some of the emotional and physical manifestations of grief.
Examples include:
- Being irritable, even at the smallest things
- Insomnia, nightmare and staying up late at night
- Anger and bitterness towards others and the world
- A feeling of the world being unfair
- Difficulty socializing and avoiding social functions or church
- Procrastination
- Difficulty completing daily tasks or doing them poorly
- Lots of crying
Even after many years of being a widow, I can still experience many of these reactions. And even more. Like being anxious with rapid heartbeats or conversely being depressed, moody and feeling lifeless. Trying to find reasons to live again after my husband unexpectedly died has taken all these 6.5 years. Most days I think I’m an overcomer and have succeeded in rebuilding a life worth living. Other days, I want to just quit under the weight of managing a household alone with less financial support, while juggling a part-time job.
Early in my grief journey, I studied and read about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a condition that can develop after a stressful event. They classify “sudden grief” as a PTSD condition, that can start within a month or even years after a sudden, unexpected death. PTSD can show up as nightmares or reliving the death event. Or even avoiding things associated with the memory of the event. I remember whenever I saw or heard an ambulance, I would have anxious thoughts or cry. For years I purposely re-routed my daily trips to avoid the hospital location where my husband took his last breath. Anything that brought up those horrifying memories I avoided.
And I thought I was alone. The only widow experiencing such stressful, seemingly inappropriate feelings. I couldn’t tell anyone for fear of being made fun of. I wanted to be the “strong black woman”, able to handle my grief! So, I kept it to myself. All bottled up. All that pain, anxiety and hurt.
I have learned the feelings I felt (and still feel) are a normal part of the grief journey. We are meant to let go of those tears and experience the refreshing feelings of relief. That’s the natural result of being hurt. To cry. To be angry. To lie down on our faces sobbing. We are wounded. The love of our lives is gone, never to share another smile, laugh, or life experience. And it hurts. It hurts hard at times. Often very unexpectedly.
A woman in the support group the other day reminded me very clearly: our hearts are broken. Very simply put. We are living with a broken heart. And it is not a sign of weakness, or lack of resolve to hurt that we have these feelings. It just hurts. It’s just grief.
If you are experiencing PTSD, it is important to seek out help and support. You don’t have to do live alone. Find someone to listen to you and your heart story. It’s also important to seek out clinical, professional advice, if needed. Not all grief is the same, so not all therapists can relate and be able to provide the best treatment or services. But start somewhere. Don’t suffer in silence.
Hope for Widows Foundation is an excellent resource for widows to connect with others experiencing the loss of a husband. Read the blogs, use the resources and if you’re able, locate a local grief support group to help you navigate through this grief.
I love you and remember, we are in this together trying to live with a broken heart.
About Ajai Blue-Saunders
Ajai Blue-Saunders is a servant leader and works for a nonprofit in the Richmond VA area. She is always seeking ways to encourage and serve others, even while experiencing the sudden death of her husband in 2015. Her work experience includes project development, herbalist, management, supervision and overseeing several companies and nonprofits.
Ajai has a heart for the disability community and serves on many local and national boards. She currently is solo parenting an artistic adult daughter with disabilitiies and together they are navigating this life with faith and love. She currently runs a widow's support group that meets monthly sponsored by a local funeral home which provides a safe place for widows to experience their grief journey with love and compassion.
Gloria-
Indeed you’ve had quite a grief journey over the past years. We know who strengthened you to still be standing today! I pray you take time to reflect on the memories and I’m glad my writing resonated with you.
Yours –
Ajai
Wow! Well said. We are indeed living with a broken heart. Thank you for breaking it down so simplistically. While you’re living it you may not always know how to express how you’re living through it. I never related it to PTSD a post traumatic stress disorder. What I thought. I just contributed it all to life just being life. Challenging at times, but what else can you do but live.
I guess if I look back on it all, I have been traumatized for a while. With my mom passing in 2014, me being the caretaker. My youngest son in 2015 who died after being diagnosed with schizophrenia and eventually taking his own life. To my oldest daughter (my niece whom I raised) who died from a brain aneurysm. To my beloved husband who died in 2018 from prostate cancer, a horrible death as if one could single out one death over another. Then recently my dad in 2021 from lung cancer. There has been seven death of Immediate family members over the last seven years. That is why I say that death has become a way of life for me. So crying and struggling not to freeze up and lay down and die became a major every day challenge. Even with all of my busyness with my career and pushing myself to stay in my children and grand children’s lives. I could’ve easily given up. So I say again thank you for sharing .