Sadness has made a home this week and I can’t seem to shake it. It has been a week of sadness for no reason other than my messed-up brain. And something small probably triggered me and I don’t know what that is but I have been on edge.
Sadness that my world is a bit darker than it used to be. The light that gave me hope and peace seems to be gone. I am trying to find it and most days I find a glimmer of it again.
Sadness that I lost two people in the same number of years. Not just two people but two people that grounded me. Believed in me. Comforted me. Put me back together when I was broken.
Sadness that I want the love of my life back. I am trying to put myself back out there but my past dating experience is Matt and only Matt. It was easy last time because we were friends first. In short, I don’t know how to date.
Sadness that I get anxious, and I want to hear his voice to calm me. I no longer look in my phone to call him on bad days. But the other day when I had a panic attack I sat in my car and just wished I could hear his voice.
Sadness that as a farmer death continues to happen. I lost a sheep this week that hurt more than it should have. Most people think that 4-H kids are desensitized to death but in reality, we are not. I cry every time.
Sadness that I am still not sure if I will ever have a kid. And now that a doctor said something about there still being time has made me now want to have a baby again. I would love to have a little me running around. But is that something I can do alone?
Sadness that my friends don’t understand my pain. They have been through breakups, but this pain is different.
Sadness is my new thing at times. This happy woman is just plain sad. And I try to run from it because it is easier to run than face it.
Sadness at seeing my grandma’s house. I have been avoiding helping to clean it out because it crushes my soul. My dad understands and today after being there for a bit told me that when my sister asked a few weeks ago about me not being there he told her it makes me depressed to be there.
Sadness that I am going through their stuff making the hard decisions on what to keep. I want to keep everything because they are no longer in this world.
Sadness that my life is my life. I am sad, angry all of it that I am a widow. That Matt is not out in this world just living apart from me. But life got the last laugh.
Sadness is not forever and I will snap out of this. Next week I am traveling so I have something else to focus on.
About Laurel Snook
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.