Today would have been my boyfriend’s father’s birthday and his death anniversary. We were supposed to go to dinner at his brother’s house but unfortunately, plans changed. He ended up making BBQ chicken at my house in honor of him.
On my way, I started thinking about how Matt’s birthday is next week. Dating someone has made me question how to honor Matt. In the end, I thought about buying Matt’s favorite beer that I can’t drink but my dad can so he can have one for Matt next week.
I am struggling with what his birthday meant to me as it was the day that we got engaged. While I am happy with my new relationship the day still holds much meaning to me. I am worried about grief moments that might happen.
Birthdays, no matter who has passed, will always have meaning to me. Unfortunately, there are two for me that are close to each other. And no matter how much time passes their birthdays will always mean something to me.
I will probably always struggle with Matt’s birthday and no matter how much time passes it will always be a special day for me. Moving on has not meant that I don’t still have love for Matt it just means that my love is different now and honoring it will always be something I do.
As we move forward in life it is okay to honor their birthdays in any way we can. Having a beer for them. Eating a piece of their favorite cake. Visiting their grave if they have one. Whatever you need to do to make it through the day.
My heart will ache a bit and I will wish he was in this world to turn 40. Celebrate with his family and friends even though he would have not wanted a birthday party.
On July 26 I will say happy birthday to him and give my dad a beer to drink to honor them.
About Laurel Snook
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.
Birthdays are extremely hard and painful for this widow of six years (next month). My late spouse and I shared the same birthdate. 8/28 and our date of marriage was 8/8/88. Neither date holds any significance to me anymore.