There is no proper term to do justice to the type of tiredness involved in being a grieving, solo Mama. We are overworked, never paid, tapped out, burnt out and worn out. Fatigued and sometimes jaded. Filled with heaviness, broken & beaten down emotionally and mentally. Our bodies are exhausted and even our spirits. Lately, I have been feeling so many different types of tiredness. Tired of being alone. Tired of living without being in love. Tired of living without my husband. Tired of not talking to him. Tired of always being the “heavy,” meaning the one who sets all the limits alone for my children. Tired of decisions….and making them constantly. Big ones and small ones. I am so weary of being the final say for every decision. Tired of the drain of being the primary emotional support for the grief of my kids. Tired of trying to figure out the zany, impulsive, and seemingly illogical mind of a little boy without my husband to share his wisdom and personal experience, tired of so many loved ones dying, tired of lifting heavy things and mowing the lawn and doing nearly 100% of the cooking, cleaning and maintenance. I am tired of being tired. I am way past tired.
It recently occurred to me that I really don’t know how to relax anymore. It feels like I have spent so long in survival mode. I have been trying to survive grief and putting all my energy into simply coping with this very unwelcome new life that I don’t want. Relaxing is such a strange concept to me as a widow mama because everywhere I go, I take grief with me. It is the burden I can never pry off of my shoulders. And no-matter when I do, I can’t stop being Mom. I wouldn’t want to stop. My children are precious gifts that have given me reason to get out of bed and to smile since their Daddy passed. But…. I am always feeling the weight of caring for them. 24-7. Endless responsibility and concern. When they are asleep, there is less physical toll, but then the mind decides to take it’s turn ruminating, worrying, analyzing, remembering, and thus the tiredness continues. I can’t escape my life, therefore it seems I can’t escape my stress.
I have found regular meetings with a Christian counselor to be a tremendous resource and support through my grief process. Recently, I was encouraged to prioritize finding a few minutes each day simply to do something I enjoy during the day during normal daytime hours so I am not too tired to enjoy when the kids have gone to bed at night. It sounds simple enough, but I have to laugh at how much grief has messed with my mind. My first reaction typically was…. But I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I don’t even know where to begin. After a few more years down grief’s road, I am starting to see a few things that bring at least a little enjoyment, like some sun soaking minutes with my hands in the dirt tending to my flower garden.
A few other goals I have are making sure I get more consistent sleep and enough of it. It is crazy how much sleep deprivation messes with our minds, emotions and thus our grief. And boy do I know it since when my husband passed I was still nursing a little bundle who didn’t sleep through the night. Besides a little hobby time and more sleep, I am aiming for more time studying my Bible, the right vitamins for complete nutrition, and a little more exercise for those free endorphins.
What do you find that helps you cope with being exhausted in this hard season of life?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
Image Courtesy of www.canva.com
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.