I haven’t ever stopped wearing my wedding rings.
Going on eight years out, I still wear them.
Yes, there are two of them: my wedding ring plus another that was a family heirloom he had given me for my part in taking care of his grandmother in her elder years.
There have been relationships, long-term and not-so-long-term; I even lived with someone, yet the rings stayed on.
Both of them still rest neatly, as if nothing ever happened, on my finger.
Underneath is the engagement tattoo we both got a few weeks before we tied the knot. It is a (cliché?) kanji meaning “extreme.” Of course, that’s fitting because there was nothing about our time together that wasn’t extreme. From the whirlwind way it began on MySpace, of all places, to the way it ended violently at his own hand—it was all extreme.
A lot of other widows move their rings to their other hand, and at one point, I thought of doing the same. After all, I don’t want to take them off entirely–I earned them. They are a part of me now. They are a badge, a legacy.
But I couldn’t move them, no matter how much I wanted to.
This is because I simply cannot get them off my finger.
Time, which changes everything, has also changed my hand.
Yes, I’ve tried the thread trick; I’ve tried Windex. I’ve tried it all.
I rationalize that when my body decides that they can come off, then they will.
Or…until I can afford to go to a reputable jeweler and have them cut from my finger, then repaired and resized for my other hand, they will stay there. And even once they do, my “extreme” tattoo will remain.
I don’t mind because even though my life has moved forward, it does not erase what once was.
And once upon a time, I was given some beautiful diamonds to wear as a symbolic gesture, so I don’t feel like I need to be in a hurry to change that.
If I’ve learned anything as a widow, it’s that we are allowed to move along at our own pace and no one is allowed to tell us otherwise.
Pics via L. Munk (c)
About Layla Beth Munk
Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.
Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.