Why me?  I have asked that question so many times this year.  Why me? Why us?  Why didn’t we get the happy ending?  In this day and age with social media it is hard not to be envious of other people.  This past weekend was our wedding anniversary – the 1st one since he has been gone.  I have seen so many people post happy pictures this weekend on social media about their anniversary.  And I can’t help but think why me?  Why Us?  Why aren’t we out to dinner celebrating our anniversary instead of me putting flowers down at his grave?

We weren’t big gift givers for our anniversary.  We gave each other cards and usually we each got the other something sweet to eat.  Brownies were always my favorite!  So on our anniversary I went to the cemetery and put flowers down and talked to him for a while. Then I just spent the evening watching TV and I went to the store and got brownies.  So of course I ate one for me and one for him!

Our anniversary was the last thing we celebrated just weeks before Pat died.  The cards we gave each other were still on the counter the night he died.  They still sit there now.

I thought I was going to want to be surrounded by people on our anniversary but as the date drew closer I realized I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts of him.    I sat in the home we created together and just relaxed.  And I slept.  I haven’t slept much since he died.  A few hours a night most nights for the past 11 months.   But this weekend I slept!!!  I took a nap Friday, Saturday and Sunday and slept over 8 hours a night.

I feel like Pat sent me a gift and it was the gift of sleep.

So even though I can’t help but ask why me?  Why us?  I think everyone who loses someone they love asks these questions.  And even as  I look at everyone posts of fun things they are doing this weekend to celebrate different milestones in their lives I am choosing to be grateful for the gift I believe Pat sent me and that was enough peace for a couple of days to finally sleep.


Eileen Clarke is an average everyday woman whose life was torn apart on November 2, 2017 with the sudden loss of her husband Patrick (Pat).

She is now in the process of taking a journey that she never asked for but must take nonetheless. Her hope that in sharing her journey she may be able to help other woman as she embarks on her own unplanned journey of grief and rebuilding.