I like my house now.
I like living here alone. I like the comfort of my own home. I like the feeling I get when I pull in my garage and appreciate that I have a safe, warm, attractive place to live.
I like grilling on the barbecue on my back deck – the deck Rick built. For the few warm days we’ve had this year, I enjoyed eating lunch and doing a crossword in the sun, then sitting out under the gazebo in the evening.
I like working at the desk in my semi-organized office, with the photos of generations of ancestors on the shelves and the giant “Dead Ophelia” print Rick had framed for me mounted prominently on the wall in front of my desk.
I think I’m even beginning to enjoy cooking (!) for myself now, in the well-appointed kitchen Rick and I remodeled ourselves. I like mixing up ingredients on the spacious island we built so long ago.
I like sitting with my feet up, glass of Cabernet in my hand, watching Game of Thrones in my nicely furnished living room – sitting in the spot where he used to sit.
I like crawling under the blankets in my comfortable bed at night. Yes, there’s still that empty spot next to me, but it no longer affects me like it did in the beginning. More often than not now, my bedroom is simply a comfortable place to retreat to after a long day of work and play.
So, yes, I like my house now. I can finally appreciate and enjoy living alone in the house Rick and I built and shared together for so many years. I’ve come to a place where I’m no longer filled with the sadness of my loss. Instead I feel peace and comfort living with the beautiful memories contained within these walls.
I like my life, too. And, emotionally, this is a place I couldn’t even have imagined being one year ago today.
For so long, I hated coming home. I hated the silence, the emptiness, the barrenness. Many evenings, when I arrived home after work, I actually sat in my car in the dark garage for nearly an hour, crying and trying to talk myself into entering the silent, empty house.
I hated being here. I hated being alone. I hated every quiet, empty room. I hated everything about my life and my new state of widowhood. And I was positive I would never get used to it. Living alone, wandering around the too-silent house, feeling his loss everywhere I looked. Trying to find a reason to go on without him. Trying to make a new life for myself.
A little over a year ago, I wrote this passage in my blog. I had just made the long drive to Florida by myself and had arrived alone at the beach at sunset. It was just a few months after his death, at a time when I never dreamed I’d feel joy or contentment again:
I knew I had to go on without you. I have no choice. And the sun will continue to set on the gulf without you. And the sun will rise again tomorrow without you. And I will continue my life without you.
And since his death, the sun has risen and set 628 days. And I have continued my life without him, and I finally feel contentment – and sometimes even joy and hope. I finally feel like I’m home again.
And I like this place.
About Katherine Billings-Palmer
Katherine Billings Palmer is a retired technical writer and author who lost her husband to lung cancer shortly after celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. She began writing through her grief in an online journal of feelings, thoughts, memories, and poetry on her personal blog: The Writing Widow.
Katherine published a series called “A Widow’s Words,” three books composed of essays and poetry about her struggles to cope with and work through her grief. She also published a small book of poetry, I Wanted to Grow Old With You; a humorous book of anecdotes from her grandsons, I Didn't See That Coming; and her most recent book, A Grieving Heart: Poems of Love, Loss, and Healing for Widows and Widowers, which includes more than 60 poems about coping with grief.
All books are available in print and ebook through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Kobo.
Katherine’s biography and blog can be found at her website: The Writing Woman. She also posts her poetry and prose on Instagram, TikTok, Bluesky, and Substack @thewritingwoman.
Websites: thewritingwoman.com and thewritingwidow.com
Amazon: katherine-palmer
Instagram: @thewritingwidow and @thewritingwomandotcom
LinkedIn: katherinegpalmer
TikTok: @thewritingwoman
Substack: @thewritingwoman
Bluesky: @thewritingwoman.bsky.social
Pinterest: TheWritingWidow
This gave me some hope lost my bill 3 months ago and feel such a loss and loneliness. Everywhere I look I see him. I cry a lot and I know someday will be better, but right now that seems impossible. Thanks for giving me hope.
I sit here crying because this is the new me…A widow. Your words hit my heart! My husband Henry died of a heart attack after being sick for most of our nearly 30 years of marriage. Even though he was chronically ill with McArdle’s Disease over those years, it brought other sicknesses with it. But no matter how bad he felt, he always kept going. We were also blessed to be ministers of the gospel together. Three and a half years ago, he asked if I would move to help his Mom with his dad (who was suffering dementia at the time). My husband loved that we’d raised our children and now it was a chance for us to enjoy each other’s golden years. The only thing is he kept saying, “Lord give me 3 years.” I thought it was to detox from where we’d lived and to support someone else’s ministry. My husband passed away three years and a half years after moving (October 2018) here. And now, I’m you trying to stay here in this quiet house without my soulmate. I made my first trip without him physically (that’s because I could feel his love all around me). His word to me is “keep moving Forward.” Thank you so much for being real in all you do and God bless you!
Bravo and Well done! Your words are beautiful and true.
Katherine,
Thank you for sharing your feelings and your journey. Much of what you expressed mirrors my feelings. Meeting a love at mid-life and losing them way too soon. Hating the emptiness and silence. And gradually trying to figure out what comes next, while embracing the comfort of what was shared. I have taken your name and will look for your other writing. Wishing you peace, comfort and life!