Diary of a grieving Musician
Week One
This is my diary that I have been writing to you since the day I left for new beginnings [A Womans Refuge] (two days after I found out you had passed away).
You always said I should write a blog because people should hear what I have to say but because of my adhd I never knew what I should write it about, I have so many hobbies and interests that chop and change on a daily basis..
So even though it’s not about what I have to say about something I like or my views on things, I now have something to write about and I still get to write to you. Although I felt crazy, It was too painful to stop myself from messaging you.
I spoke to your mum, she still messages you too. She talks to you every day and so will I.
So this blog is about my day, my grief, my mental health, my hobbies, my music and more importantly… About you.
– For any one following my journey
This blog is my unfiltered thoughts and writings to my beloved. There will be angry rants and unpopular opinions but please be aware that I have no hate towards anybody and do not discriminate against sex, gender, size, habits, mental health etc. Writing to my sweet boy was always and will always be my venting point. He loved my cynicism, and satire and complete bluntness. I may have my views on certain people’s habits and moronic ways but underneath all of the shit that people are, they are humans, and I love all humans.
[everything in bold italics is text i’ve added so the writings make more sense]
Also, please be aware that It may take me a while to reply to any messages and comments. Anxiety sucks haha.
Day 1
May 20 – Leaving
11:59
I’ve left! My Bro is giving me a lift, [which means I had to tell him the full situation, I called him and he asked how I was, I said I wasn’t good and he said ‘I know’ assuming I was talking about you but he soon found out I wasn’t. He was calm and understanding.. I still can’t tell my mum though! You were meant to do that for me 😭] I can’t thank him enough.
Getting through London would have been so STRESSFUL [my suitcases were crazy heavy, I couldn’t even lift one of them and you know how anxious I am about traveling, I would have been an anxious mess.. I don’t even care about how much those tickets cost, I never care about how much things cost after I’ve exchanged monies as there’s nothing you can do about money already spent].
I miss you so much xx
18:08
Just had my first wander around, this place is so pretty.. you would love it.. I miss you so much I wish you were here xx
20:35
This whole day has been a blur. I can hardly remember it. I think I signed things, I just don’t know. But, I do remember my brother giving me a massive hug when he left, and Boo [You know my brother was always the awkward with affection type, so this hug meant a lot to me]. I wouldn’t be here without him.
Safe.. and so far away from all that fu*ked up sh*t that has happened over the past couple of months. I feel calm.
I haven’t had a panic attack today.
I gave my brother £200 to cover the petrol and the days wages that he would have missed.
He said it was too much but I was so grateful [and I had been saving up, so I had some allocated to “Get away money” – I guess no one would really understand how money doesn’t really have a value when it comes to the instant relief of mental health issues, unless they had anxiety or even adhd themselves😂] I’m just gonna keep my head down. Hide myself away.
Dream sweet my wonderful Prince xx
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Day 2
May 21st -Bird song
[21/05, 13:50] M’lady: She’s so silly.
[21/05, 13:50] M’lady: She keeps going on and on about you [and it’s killing me, asking when we were going to see you again, when she could speak to you. Making you things. She wanted to send you things, write you letters.. It’s Constant.. 😭]
[21/05, 13:50] M’lady: She misses you xx
15:21
It’s so peaceful here…
and the birds are crazy loud.
19:28
Spoon came up to see me, make sure I am ok.. I am not ok.
She bought me a plant.. it was half dead.. but that’s ok. I fix it [me being a queen at bringing plants back to life, all that practice from my mum. She loves to plant (as you know) used to buy all the weird and wonderful seeds, she is great at getting them started but soon moves on to another project pretty quickly (maybe I get my ADHD from her), leaving me to save her half dead seedlings. I couldn’t just let them die 😅].
20:23
We went out for pizza! wish you were here! <3
11:24
I’ve been holding it in for days now. I can’t tell Boo.. she’s been through too much..
I can’t cry cause she is always around and she needs me to be her strength.
But.. It’s slowly bursting out sideways!
I had to make a quick trip to the bathroom in the Pizza place.. I could feel it creeping and I
couldn’t hold it back.
I got in that stall and just broke down on the floor.
There were so many tears I could barely breathe.
…and then it was gone, released a tiny bit of pressure from that bottle and I could suck it back down again.
Quick splash of cold water to the face (to disguise the cry juice) and I was back in business. not sure if I’m dealing with this healthily :”D LOL who bloody knows what healthy is anymore!!
love you Kitten bomb {^.^}
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Day 3
May 22nd – Dilly bands
Some one came to my room last night..
Knocked on my door..
I shat myself..
Froze dead in my tracks and slowly pulled the covers over my face.. hoping they would go away [I was genuinely trying to pretend I wasn’t in.. Which when I think about it.. Is hilarious.. Like where would I have gone ? 😂] they knocked again and I thought I’d better get it…
Slowly shuffled towards to door. Opened it even slower. I think I threw some words at her.. It was probably a greeting, that’s the usual protocol isn’t it? 😂
Could barely see who it was.. But she was someone who I could only describe as.. An eastenders mum? Hair scrunched up on her head.. Dressing gown.. Bakki hanging out of her pocket.. Looked like she should be carrying a cuppa t (to the shops) (in her PJs 😂) [I’m not gonna lie, i’ve done this] couldn’t see a face though. “Comin for a faaag” she says
Umm….. No… Past my bedtime 😂😂- Runs back to bed and hides*
Dear LORD. How am I gonna keep my head down if they come after me?
I thought I’d be safe in my room but nowhere is safe. Right that’s it.. I’m gonna slither out of this tiny gap, that my window has been restricted to, and run away.
———————–
I’m making dilly bands, made from your tent cord and your fave T-shirt (yes, I still can’t spell faveroute) I know you would love them.
Especially the word “DillyBand” [because you loved everything with the word dyl in it haha] a few people have asked for some.. And I sent some to your house mates.. Because they were sooo kind to me.
I know they are pretty pathetic but it’s keeping me distracted..
I do love you…
18:51
I’m making friends! Frankly I don’t have a choice, they are bloody everywhere haha. With their problems and their personal jokes… that I’m trying to laugh at but.. you know. 😑
Gaaaaaah I wish you were here with me.
23:11
Found out the girl who came to my room was #5.
Some laaad maaafed londoner.
As you can Imagine, I loved her!
Proper reminded me of my little sister. Really jumped up and aggy but all sweet and emotional too…
and her laugh..
HER LAUGH! 🤣
You can hear it in all the rooms, you can hear it down the road. She’s genuinely rolling around on the floor, can’t breathe, actually making the HA sound the shouting “FACK OFF” to any one who makes her laugh even more.
Her laugh makes you laugh and I need laughs right now :’)
I love you Mi Amor xx
Day 4
May 23rd – No goodbye.
So apparently you would want a funeral? [I just messaged your mum asking when it was and she told me that you wouldn’t want One so she is cremating your body quietly.. no people nothing..]
You loved the attention.
You’d want everybody you loved sitting round, playing music and crying over you.
[because what would your life be if you weren’t the centre of attention at all times 😂]
I’m so distraught and furious that I can’t say goodbye.
I can’t stop crying, it’s explosive and unwanted and invading my space.
I keep shouting at Boo because she wont stop walking in the room.
I don’t want her to see me crying, I don’t want her to know that anything is wrong.
I know I said I need to start crying in front of her because of the “it’s ok to cry baby!”
“…but mummy, you don’t cry” incident, but this isn’t it I’m not ready I feel weak and in control of nothing.
My face is sore and my eyes are puffy.
The skin on my cheeks is starting to peel!! Why does my skin HATE me.
I hate myself, I’m so pathetic.
Come on!! MAN UP!
I just can’t breathe.
There is so much pain inside me. Please, I beg you, come and make it better.
————————–
Bring on the teenage angst.
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Day 5
May 24th- what an evening
What and evening – I spoke to W and H, My mum and this lady from the refuge (#3) who is just wonderful.
Btw!
You said you wouldn’t tell W and H about why we are here.
Dickhead.
But, I’m kinda ok with it because it was Easier that way.
It was great talking to them, talking to people who loved you, talking to people that understood everything that I’ve gone through over the past couple of months.
I told my mum about it too, you were meant to tell her for me, membu!? [I had to do it over text messages, I couldn’t handle whatever reaction I was going to get]
This lady from the refuge, #3.. I don’t know if she’s just playing on what I said but she has helped ME [she spoke to me about you and her views on death.. similar to my mums and I spoke to her about my anxiety with performing and my self doubt.. I’ve been trying to do it for 10 years now and there is just so much fear].. the singing.. I can do it.. I thought I couldn’t without your words but they are still there I just need to remember them and believe them.. it’s hard though.
My mum told me about you…
[she said that you didn’t know where I was and she told you I was at my sisters (where she thought I was) but you couldn’t find me.. I’m always so dubious about anything my mum says about her being a “medium” but so were you for different reasons. Like I don’t doubt that people can see/talk to spirits but my scepticism stems from a lack of respect for my mother (shut up you Crazy woman, no one cares 😂)]…and I know I’m going against everything I stand for [and I feel fully crazy for saying this] but I’m coming to get you.. I’m sorry I left you..
I’m throwing a service for you. It’s horrible for all the people that loved you and for you if I don’t. I just want to do right by you.. I don’t care what your mum says, you would want people to get together and celebrate your life, you’d be rolling around all up in that sheet. [I just felt like it wasn’t my place to do something like that but I spoke to quite a lot of people about it and they convinced me that it was ok].
I’m scared to tell Boo.. Give me strength.. I love you so desperately.. I’ll be there to get you As soon as I can my love xx
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I keep lying to people And telling them we were together for two years… [opposed to… wait.. I need to work this out.. 16th march 18.. to 16th may 19.. see I don’t even know haha like 14 months?]
I don’t know why I’m doing it, I think it’s because it makes me feel like my emotions towards you are more valid?? or our time together seem more.. who knows!? [I felt like a year and two months is not a justified amount of time to be as upset as I am, like I’m just being pathetic. People spend decades with their loved ones before losing them.. like what right do I have when people have it so much worse, you know?? Wow I have some self worth issues]
But, it’s making me uncomfortable, I don’t lie. What is this madness?!! We were only together for 5 days any way [personal joke that I can’t be bothered to explain rn]. Don’t know what I’m beefing about hahah
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MAY 24, 2019, 1:49 PM
[Every time I copy and paste what i’ve written to you on face book it starts with this –
First and favourite lady that must be what you had my name set as on messenger :'( ]
Just lost my keys! Searched everywhere for them! went to the office to get spare set! They were down my bra. hahaha
Heh.
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I’ve been listening to Linkin park a lot this week..
Also.. this is the first time I’m noticing that you have a similar profile as chester.. Like from the side.. especially if he is shouting hahaha.
I love you Mi Amor
About Anu
This is my diary that I have been writing to you since the day I left for new beginnings (two days after I found out you had passed away).
You always said I should write a blog because people should hear what I have to say but because of my ADHD I never knew what I should write it about, I have so many hobbies and interests that chop and change on a daily basis..
So even though it's not about what I have to say about something I like, or my views on things, I now have something to write about and I still get to write to you.
Although I felt crazy, It was too painful to stop myself from messaging you.
I spoke to your mum, she still messages you too. She talks to you every day and so will I.
So this blog is about my day, my grief, my mental health, my hobbies, my music and more importantly... About you.
I Love you Mi Amor, My Sweet Sleeping Prince.
- Anu (your first and favourite lady)
Instagram - Dylan_Officially
Thank you for sharing, your post sums up so perfectly this amazing anxiety ridden not perfect how the hell do I deal with this perfectly person, your mi amour and Boo sound wonderful, I sincerely hope you keep blogging and I send you strength and all that