Some one came to my room last night..
Froze dead in my tracks and slowly pulled the covers over my face.. hoping they would go away [I was genuinely trying to pretend I wasn’t in.. Which when I think about it.. Is hilarious.. Like where would I have gone ? 😂] they knocked again and I thought I’d better get it…
Slowly shuffled towards to door. Opened it even slower. I think I threw some words at her.. It was probably a greeting, that’s the usual protocol isn’t it? 😂
Could barely see who it was.. But she was someone who I could only describe as.. An eastenders mum? Hair scrunched up on her head.. Dressing gown.. Bakki hanging out of her pocket.. Looked like she should be carrying a cuppa t (to the shops) (in her PJs 😂) [I’m not gonna lie, i’ve done this] couldn’t see a face though. “Comin for a faaag” she says
Umm….. No… Past my bedtime 😂😂- Runs back to bed and hides*
Dear LORD. How am I gonna keep my head down if they come after me?
I thought I’d be safe in my room but nowhere is safe. Right that’s it.. I’m gonna slither out of this tiny gap, that my window has been restricted to, and run away.
I’m making dilly bands, made from your tent cord and your fave T-shirt (yes, I still can’t spell faveroute) I know you would love them.
Especially the word “DillyBand” [because you loved everything with the word dyl in it haha] a few people have asked for some.. And I sent some to your house mates.. Because they were sooo kind to me.
I know they are pretty pathetic but it’s keeping me distracted..
I’m making friends! Frankly I don’t have a choice, they are bloody everywhere haha. With their problems and their personal jokes… that I’m trying to laugh at but.. you know. 😑
Gaaaaaah I wish you were here with me.
Found out the girl who came to my room was #5.
Some laaad maaafed londoner.
As you can Imagine, I loved her!
Proper reminded me of my little sister. Really jumped up and aggy but all sweet and emotional too…
and her laugh..
You can hear it in all the rooms, you can hear it down the road. She’s genuinely rolling around on the floor, can’t breathe, actually making the HA sound the shouting “FACK OFF” to any one who makes her laugh even more.
Her laugh makes you laugh and I need laughs right now :’)
May 23rd – No goodbye.
So apparently you would want a funeral? [I just messaged your mum asking when it was and she told me that you wouldn’t want One so she is cremating your body quietly.. no people nothing..]
You’d want everybody you loved sitting round, playing music and crying over you.
[because what would your life be if you weren’t the centre of attention at all times 😂]
I’m so distraught and furious that I can’t say goodbye.
I can’t stop crying, it’s explosive and unwanted and invading my space.
I keep shouting at Boo because she wont stop walking in the room.
I don’t want her to see me crying, I don’t want her to know that anything is wrong.
I know I said I need to start crying in front of her because of the “it’s ok to cry baby!”
“…but mummy, you don’t cry” incident, but this isn’t it I’m not ready I feel weak and in control of nothing.
My face is sore and my eyes are puffy.
The skin on my cheeks is starting to peel!! Why does my skin HATE me.
I hate myself, I’m so pathetic.
There is so much pain inside me. Please, I beg you, come and make it better.
Bring on the teenage angst.
May 24th- what an evening
What and evening – I spoke to W and H, My mum and this lady from the refuge (#3) who is just wonderful.
You said you wouldn’t tell W and H about why we are here.
But, I’m kinda ok with it because it was Easier that way.
It was great talking to them, talking to people who loved you, talking to people that understood everything that I’ve gone through over the past couple of months.
I told my mum about it too, you were meant to tell her for me, membu!? [I had to do it over text messages, I couldn’t handle whatever reaction I was going to get]
This lady from the refuge, #3.. I don’t know if she’s just playing on what I said but she has helped ME [she spoke to me about you and her views on death.. similar to my mums and I spoke to her about my anxiety with performing and my self doubt.. I’ve been trying to do it for 10 years now and there is just so much fear].. the singing.. I can do it.. I thought I couldn’t without your words but they are still there I just need to remember them and believe them.. it’s hard though.
My mum told me about you…
[she said that you didn’t know where I was and she told you I was at my sisters (where she thought I was) but you couldn’t find me.. I’m always so dubious about anything my mum says about her being a “medium” but so were you for different reasons. Like I don’t doubt that people can see/talk to spirits but my scepticism stems from a lack of respect for my mother (shut up you Crazy woman, no one cares 😂)]…and I know I’m going against everything I stand for [and I feel fully crazy for saying this] but I’m coming to get you.. I’m sorry I left you..
I’m throwing a service for you. It’s horrible for all the people that loved you and for you if I don’t. I just want to do right by you.. I don’t care what your mum says, you would want people to get together and celebrate your life, you’d be rolling around all up in that sheet. [I just felt like it wasn’t my place to do something like that but I spoke to quite a lot of people about it and they convinced me that it was ok].
I’m scared to tell Boo.. Give me strength.. I love you so desperately.. I’ll be there to get you As soon as I can my love xx
I keep lying to people And telling them we were together for two years… [opposed to… wait.. I need to work this out.. 16th march 18.. to 16th may 19.. see I don’t even know haha like 14 months?]
I don’t know why I’m doing it, I think it’s because it makes me feel like my emotions towards you are more valid?? or our time together seem more.. who knows!? [I felt like a year and two months is not a justified amount of time to be as upset as I am, like I’m just being pathetic. People spend decades with their loved ones before losing them.. like what right do I have when people have it so much worse, you know?? Wow I have some self worth issues]
But, it’s making me uncomfortable, I don’t lie. What is this madness?!! We were only together for 5 days any way [personal joke that I can’t be bothered to explain rn]. Don’t know what I’m beefing about hahah
MAY 24, 2019, 1:49 PM
[Every time I copy and paste what i’ve written to you on face book it starts with this –
First and favourite lady that must be what you had my name set as on messenger :'( ]
Just lost my keys! Searched everywhere for them! went to the office to get spare set! They were down my bra. hahaha