Sometimes I consider myself lucky that Matt died while things were not normal and still sort of shut down. It allowed me to hide away from the world and deal with my feelings or not deal with them. But now we are all reemerging and life is going back to normal. I find ways to keep busy cause then I can outrun my grief. I won’t think about the residual losses that also happened.
After I got over the one-year hurdle at the beginning of October I was doing pretty good. I was not experiencing the grief wave I had been. I was living. Over the last two years, I have been taking care of my grandma and it was a good excuse last year when people asked me to go someplace if my grief was too much, I would simply say I can’t grandma needs me. One of the residual losses I experienced was spending time with my friends while I withdrew.
Now I am starting to dip my toe back into life. Going to dinner with friends, making plans, living. I still have grandma to look after but I am taking some time for myself. This week I got to have dinner with a friend and her baby it was great catching up with her. I great meeting up with her after the week I was having at work. Including lovely grief set back on Wednesday night that left me questioning if I will always be alone.
Losing Matt was a shock but now I am experiencing the residual losses that come with losing a spouse. We had plans and dreams. Things that we were going to do. I see people post their happy anniversary, or we are having a baby post and I can’t help but feel that old ping of what I am missing.
Last Sunday I signed contracts for the farm we were going to buy. Monday, I had a shakeup at work that left me feeling unsure of everything, and in the midst of that, I transferred the down payment for the house. And all of this left me wanting my husband. I wanted to share all of this with him. It was the start of what would be a grief downward spiral.
Tuesday, I had a long day at work and came home to my grandma being a bit difficult. We ended up getting into a fight as I fought back crying, I wished he was here. Wednesday my emotions crashed in around me and on the way home I started thinking about all the things that we wanted and how life would be if he was alive. I ended up bawling my eyes out later in the night. I cried myself to sleep. Another residual loss was losing the person that helped keep me together.
I did not lose Matt and my dreams because I am still living them. I am buying the house. I am talking to a foster agency so I can still have that dream of being a parent. But I never wanted to do them alone. I never wanted to do this life without him.
Reemerging and not drowning
I have been trying to figure out how to move on. To date and find a connection with someone new. But now I am not sure if that is a possibility. But now fear is setting in that I will not find what I had with Matt. Our relationship was so easy starting out. There was no Bumble or other online dating. We had a connection from the beginning.
Sometimes it is hard to believe that I can love again. Especially on nights like last night where I had to be unkind to myself and remember he is gone for good. I had to picture him lying in that ER room to give up the false hope I create sometimes. I was drowning in my grief and cried. I often find myself wondering when does the pain end. But I know the answer to that it never there will always be part of me that will miss him from time to time.
This weekend I stayed busy to continue to outrun my grief. I baked this morning then went to do fence at the farm. But as I was outside enjoying this beautiful day when I realized you can’t outrun the grief it always catches up. Memories pop into my head letting him live a bit longer but leaving me emotionally drained. But our love lives on and so do I.