This is the third version of a post for the week. I like the other two, but it just didn’t feel finished or right. Today I got to see my stepson it has been over a month since I last saw him. I needed the time I had with him. He reminds me so much of his dad in a good way. Reminders of Matt are always welcomed especially in a week that I have been missing him.
And on that point, it went with the first post that I typed about how time continues to go on. The world did not stop with me a year ago. I temporarily lost track of months but now I am reemerging, and I am in contract to buy the farm this week I got the approval for my mortgage.
This week was bittersweet in a way. And as I said to someone, I would rather have my husband back than be able to get the farm alone. I am proud that I am still able to live my dreams. Time is moving on and I am moving with it further from the time I last had my love.
I can keep going because I have hope. Hope that I will be okay. Someday I might find a way to love again but for now, I am still having issues allowing myself to connect with people. Hope that my mind will stop sabotaging me. It is not even just romantic connections it is all connections. My mind tells me everything dies in time and that is true, but hope tells me I have time still to spend with those people.
Last year I got told my grandma had two weeks to live a month after Matt died. I have lived most of that time fearing her death. Because next to Matt she was the person that means the most to me. I feared waking up and finding her dead. Today I can say I am thankful for the extra time I got with her. Grief is tricky to navigate and when you are about to lose another person it can make hope hard to have.
I walked through my future house today. Envisioning what I want to do to the rooms. Made plans for my future. Time is moving forward, and it is time I update my dream. The plan Matt and I had for the house is no longer something achievable because he is gone.
Friday night I went to my niece’s play. I learned that I should ask more questions before agreeing to go someplace. The play was about grief and the main character was playing D&D to learn more about her sister. I am glad that I went to support her and that it was not as triggering as I thought it could be when it started. Matt played D&D and watched videos of others playing. Time has gone on and I know that if that play was earlier in my grief I would have had to leave.
Time marches on and the more it does the more hope I have for the future. I have had some dark days the last two weeks and ended up crying. Those days were not because I did not have hope or was living in fear. I had those days because I just miss my husband and hate that he is not here to experience these milestones with me.
He will never be a homeowner. But he was able to experience so much in the limited time he was alive. Matt was able to become a dad and a husband. The love of my life and soul mate. Time took him early and we did not get to live out our dreams. He will not get to grow old with me and have children with me. I will have to live some of our dreams alone, but I will live them.
I might not have had the time I wanted to with him, but I am glad for the years I did get. The memories I have. Hope keeps me going. Fear holds me back some days, but time will move on whether or not I go with it. The farm will not hold all the memories my house does and that will most likely help me in the future. While I think about moving on and try to date when things don’t work out with that I hold on to the hope that eventually the right person will cross my path and Matt will let me know.
The key to my future is living with hope and allowing that to lead my decisions and choices in life. Fear will keep me from living and I am no longer okay with that. Matt would have never been okay with that. Time is moving on and hope is keeping me going.