When Matt died people thought that I was mad at God for what happened. I wasn’t. One of the things that I remember clearly from going to the hospital was yelling it was not supposed to end like this he wasn’t supposed to die. I can’t say who I was yelling that to maybe I was letting God know that I was not happy.
Through every trial that has come up in my life, I had my faith. It was the one thing that always made me feel safe and comforted other than Matt. I did not find church comforting at first after he died. Grief was the topic the first few weeks and I did not need to have someone tell me what grief felt like because I was living it every moment of the day. I was lost and could not find comfort in that moment in my faith.
When my grandma got sick the following month I stood in that hospital room holding her hand and praying to God. If it was her time don’t let her suffer. I might not be ready to lose her but if you think it is her time I understand. Faith was still there comforting me.
I have faith that Matt is in heaven with the people he loved that passed and that maybe he has met some of my family that is up there waiting for everyone to join them. Faith that he is with me in my darkest hours but also the times that I am happy.
Through faith, I can handle anything thrown at me. Setbacks and wins through all of it God is with me. Knowing that at times I might not be as faithful as I want to be, I still believe. When I did not attend church those first few weeks, I still listened to Christian music Sunday mornings. I was not in the correct mindset to hear the sermon, but I could listen to It Is Well with My Soul performed by Kutless. Or listen to Lauren Daigle or Zach Williams. Finding comfort in the songs.
If you are religious look up the Tabernacle Choir singing It is Well with My Soul. The recording has the backstory of Horatio Spafford who penned the lyrics. His wife and four daughters were in a tragic shipwreck where their three daughters passed away. On his way across the ocean to be reunited with his wife, the captain called him to let him know they were passing where the shipwreck happened. Horatio instead of looking into the ocean instead looked up to the sky because he believed that is where his children were. His faith was not shaken he still believed.
This has always been one of my favorite songs. Now the meaning is different for me. Life is going to continue to have good times and bad times. Waves will hit. My faith will be tested but I will keep in mind that I am not alone in this journey. Matt dying was earth-shattering for me and when someone said you can’t blame God I said I don’t he gave Matt warnings that he choose not to respond to. No one was to blame, I could not hate God any more than I could hate myself.
When I think about how broken I feel I know that God is trying to put me back together. That my faith will repair my soul. I may never be whole again but the pain that I feel will decrease. God will rescue me from the darkness. What I need will be provided for me.
My sister wanted me to do the Run for God couch to marathon challenge and I am doing it. It starts this week and my plan is to walk it because Running is not my thing. I am hoping that I can reconnect to my faith through this challenge. My sister and I don’t have many things we do together anymore so I am excited to do this with her.
I am not going to say that my faith has not been tested in the last year because that would be a lie. A year later I am attending church almost every week. Even in the weeks that I am not feeling my faith I go. God is with me always and at the end of the day, my faith is what keeps me going when giving up seemed better. I know that life will not always be like this I will not always be sad. God is putting the things I need in front of me and through him all things are possible.