Happy New Year! I stayed up until midnight and watched the celebrations on TV. My house was quiet grandma fell asleep around 10:30 would wake up for a minute or two and then go back to sleep. I found myself thinking about how I needed to begin again it is time to rebuild my life. It is a time for new beginnings.
Falling asleep is not something that comes easy to me but that night it did. Recently I have been thinking that it has been a while since I last had a dream with Matt in it maybe it was a sign of my healing. That night I would dream of him for a second. He was there in front of me, and I asked someone do you see him too. And just like that, he was gone, and I was awake but not sad. It was like Matt was saying he was still with me.
Who I am?
The other night I did a really bad drawing, but I am going to show it to you guys anyway. It is a list of words that I would use to describe myself. Wife and Widow were words that went on quickly. Then other words that have always been part of me were added. One thing I have learned is that who I am is an always-evolving thing. As we start this new year I want to add things to that list. This is my new chapter, my new beginning.
Healing is a word that is on their and one way I have healed is through blogging and I plan on continuing that into 2022. I will be setting the goal to write more on my personal blog this year and keep up the motivation to share my story. This year I will continue to work on finding ways to share my story and the love I have. Having a new beginning does not mean forgetting the journey I have taken.
I am no longer completely broken and would consider myself a functioning adult. Most days now I would say I am happy. I was able to find the light in my darkest moment and hold on to it. Moving forward and not staying in the past where it was comfortable and safe. I am able to look forward to the future.
I draw to relax at night. Find peace in photography. Make jewelry because I enjoy it. Creativity saved me last year and will continue to save me going into this new year. I am already planning some projects like painting a huge mandala on a wall in my new house. That might be a pipe dream but the beauty in paint is I can cover it up. New beginnings doesn’t mean forgetting who you are.
New Year New Beginning
I plan on making 2022 my rebuilding year. Continue healing and growing. Finding new things to help in that journey of finding what makes me happy now. Last year my sister gave me the stuff to make dot mandalas but back then I did not want to do anything creative that was not completely depressing. Part of my new beginning is to take a stab at that.
The farm is a new beginning it will eventually be my home. It may become my home this year it might not. But this year I am going to work on painting the house and making it my home and not just a house. In the past, Matt was my home he helped make where we lived into a home. I lost my sense of home when he died but this year I am going to find that feeling again.
Dating or not dating I should say. I believe I am ready to date again if it was with the right person that would be understanding. With that said I am not going to actively look. I believe that God will put the right person into my life if it is meant to be like he did with Matt. I do not need a relationship to be whole and while I believe there is a chance I could find love again I am not going to force it. A relationship will not be a part of my new beginning unless it is meant to be.
Getting healthier is also going to be a part of my new beginning. I joined Noom a while ago and quickly stopped using it to the best of its ability. But New Year new me. I am going to drink more water and work on stress eating healthier food instead of chocolate. My sister is talking about doing a couch to marathon I am considering doing it with her.
Gratitude is another thing I am going to work on. It is hard to find something to be thankful for after you have lost someone, but I am going to try every day to find just one thing. Once I research how to do this better, I am going to share more on my personal blog. One way to continue to heal is to change my mindset.
I am looking forward to the new year which is different from last year. It gives me hope for life itself. Life is continuing and I am going to live it to the best that I can. Continuing to develop my hobbies and make life what I want it to be. Making Matt proud of the woman I am trying to become.