My heart broke a bit this weekend in an unexpected way. We had a pretty ice storm on Friday, and I was walking around taking pictures, and then as I was feeding, I took a picture of the clouds at sunset. Later I decided to make that photo my cover picture on Facebook and staring back at me was a photo of Matt and me at a wedding and fear of forgetting him crept in and made itself at home.
I fear forgetting Matt has always been in the back of my head. Last Sunday I hit my head and probably had a bit of a concussion that made it hard to do anything. So, looking down at that picture and realizing that I don’t remember the sound of his voice. Panic set in. How can I forget his voice?
When I think about him I can feel that love that he had for me. I can hear the words he would say in a situation. Part of me is holding on so tightly to that to get through the day. The other part is moving on and that part is starting to forget the little things.
This is not the first time I have had this moment of fear. And when this happens, I listen over and over to the video I have of him it is a seven-second recording of his voice. Some days it is my lifeline to the past. In those moments I wish I had a voicemail or something I could play to hear and I love you one more time. I don’t want to forget how that sounded.
The funny thing is I still remember the night the picture was taken. We were at Matt’s cousin’s wedding. That was a good night still wished we had danced. The first time I saw that picture was almost a year later at his memorial service. Matt’s mom let me take the printed copy. It hangs above my bed, and I look at it often.
My grandma has been forgetting that my uncle passed the last few weeks. I found myself wondering if when I am old is the person that I am going to pull up in my mind and ask everyone about will be Matt. In some ways, I hope it is cause that will mean not forgetting him. He will forever be in my heart and I hope in my mind.
Moving forward and finding my peace involves more days where he is not constantly on my mind. And maybe that feels like forgetting. On the good days, I know it is not that. I still have nights where I am sad and miss him to the point of ugly crying. But more and more good days are here.
You can not forget how a person’s love feels. I will always remember how he looked when he smiled. The sound of him laughing. His hugs and kisses wiped away my fears. I am not forgetting him I am simply not drowning in my grief. Life is moving on and I am moving on with it. I am just carrying him in my heart.