Yesterday I was watching random videos that popped up on Facebook when I was bored. There was one with an actress talking about her divorce and how she thought a breakup was worse than death. She went on to explain that with death they are no longer on the earth and death they are not out there.
Not going to lie this made me so angry. How can someone that has not experienced the death of a spouse say that? Someone that has not experienced the anguish that comes with losing a spouse to death. Never having heard I am sorry to tell you that “blank” passed away. Never looking at the body of their loved one knowing they no longer are with us here on earth.
Maybe that makes me mad because I have thought before what it would have been like if Matt never died. If we could not have figured out a way to stay married. How would I feel if he was still on this earth just not with me? If it was just a breakup and not death.
I would like to believe that I would not be so broken that if it was just a breakup there would have been some closure that would have allowed me to find peace and move forward. I would have been sad not to have him in my corner at times. But in the end, I think that I would have been okay because he would still be out there making memories with others.
It is not others’ fault when they say stuff like this. They don’t know that widowhood is not something that I would wish on anyone. That I wish sometimes he was out there, and I could text him and say come home, I miss you, I love you, I need you. Don’t get me wrong I say that to him all the time but instead of in a text, it is me talking to him. Holding on to faith that he is in heaven waiting for me.
A breakup would have been better than death because he would still be here for his son, mother, sisters, and brothers. They would not also be experiencing this grief with me. I would have lost out on still having a relationship with them, but I could live with that if it meant Matt was alive and well.
Breakups don’t leave you broken for the rest of your life. They don’t make you forget they are gone and then remember they are dead. With a breakup, you can ask a mutual acquaintance how they are doing and get an update on them. With death, there is no update they are just gone.
He would not be missing out on all the milestones that Tiernan will have. If we broke up, he would still be there when Tiernan gets his permit and then his driver’s license. He would be there as Tiernan graduates high school and college. When he gets married and has children. Matt would have been then for all those important moments in his son’s life.
I should not have taken that interview as personally as I did but when you are already missing your other have it is easy to go there. Have that how dare she moment. Today I know that it is easy to say something when you do not know. Like when people say you are still having issues and I say yes I am. They don’t know what widowhood feels like.
There are many misunderstandings about grief out there and by sharing our stories. By saying their names, we allow others to see what grief is really like that it is not a temporary thing that goes away. That we will grieve the loss of our spouses forever it does get better over time, but it will never fully leave us.
** Mark your calendars! Hope For Widows Foundation’s annual virtual event has returned on Saturday, April 2, and Sunday, April 3, 2022! Anyone can join! Whether you are a widow, widower, or a friend/family member showing support or walking in the loss of another family member, everyone is welcome to participate. The proceeds will directly support widows through the annual financial Restoring Hope and Peace Grants, Sunshine Boxes program, and Bring Hope Holiday Assistance Program. Do you have or know a business that would like to sponsor? That’s an option too! To register and frequently asked questions- please go here: widowsofhope5k.racewire.com
About Laurel Snook
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.
I agree 100%.
3 months into my widowhood, I actually had 2 people tell me “I can identify with your pain. Divorce is like death.”
I just stared at them – then turned and walked away. How can you get angry with arrogantly ignorant, and totally clueless people? Needless to say, neither of these people are in my life anymore.
With divorce there is pain for sure … but the ex is still alive. There is still interaction with that ex at some point.
With death, interaction is final; on Earth, as well as in life beyond the clouds. The life we knew with our spouse has been eteranlly altered. There is no further interaction: no unexpected face-to-face run-ins, no phone convos, no updates from the kids, no nothing … it’s not the same as divorce. And people that think it is are self absorbed.