Uncertain

As widows, we often find ourselves with uncertainty.  Uncertainty about so many things.

Especially if you experienced the sudden death of your husband.  You know the feeling of uncertainty that drives your daily thoughts afterwards. I know the shock of seeing my husband up and walking on a Wednesday, to watching him die on the next Friday, shook me to my core.  I caused me to doubt my daily existence and much anxiety.  I subsequently doubted everything.

Will I die early too?

Can I pay my bills with the loss of an income?

Will I have enough money to live long afterwards? Is my retirement funds enough?

Can I provide for my family as a single parent? Who will take care of our adult daughter with a disability?

Will my life be happy again?  Can I experience joy in the midst of this new sudden grief?

What is this new health challenge? And will it cause me to suffer too like my husband?

The truth is that there are many things to be uncertain about in this world we live in. And no one knows for sure what tomorrow will bring.

Uncertainty is another word for fear.

Fear of the economy.  Fear of the future.  Fear of making mistakes. Fear my child(ren) will not make the right decisions in their lives.

Fear of having a new relationship.  Fear of getting old, sick, and not recovering.  Those cold symptoms I have, is it really pneumonia or Covid-19?

The reality is that we must take control of our emotions and thoughts. If we don’t, those thoughts will drive us to an unhealthy state of living,

I try to do it every day.  I purposely think on thoughts of good and having a good future, living without the one person who helped me enjoy my days and nights.   I often refer to a foundational scripture that has strengthened me during these past 7 years as a widow:

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts and plans I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome” (Amplified Bible)

To help me believe that scripture and have faith, I do my part and I often turn off the negative news and information, so it does not cause me to doubt God’s Word and promise of a good life.  A life well spent.

To believe I’ll have a good life- I must be intentional in being surrounded by positive people, thoughts, and experiences.  So, I intentionally seek out situations and acquaintances that cause me to forget my pain and wounds.  People who cause me to thrive and be thankful for the life I do have now. A life full of questions, doubts, and uncertainty.

In seeking out those people, I want them to be real and transparent. People who can appreciate the struggles I’ve been through in my life and in turn, appreciate how far I’ve come on this grief journey.  In other words, I don’t want perfect people.  I want people around me that have scars and wounds too! I want to see your scars, hear your silent yells, and learn from your experiences, so that I can glean what ways you’ve survived.  That’s why we all share our stories.

I need to know you’re transparent enough to share your sorrows, aches, grief, and fears as you’ve traveled throughout this world.  Even if you believe you’re stuck now in unbelief and uncertainty.

Then, when I share my scars and fears, we both realize we have a common bond that will only strengthen our relationship.  My uncertainty and your uncertainty allow us to grow and know we’re not alone in our despair.  And that’s for certain.

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**Have you heard about the Hope for Widows Foundation’s annual Restoring Hope & Peace Grant program? It was established by the organization in 2019 to help widowed women offset financial challenges as they navigate their healing journey.  You can find out details, timeline and the history of this grant here: https://hopeforwidows.org/grant/  All widows based in the U.S. and Canada are encouraged to apply.  Applications open on National Widows Day, May 3, 2022.  For additional questions feel free to email info@hopeforwidows.org. **

About Ajai Blue-Saunders

Ajai Blue-Saunders is a servant leader and works for a nonprofit in the Richmond VA area. She is always seeking ways to encourage and serve others, even while experiencing the sudden death of her husband in 2015. Her work experience includes project development, herbalist, management, supervision and overseeing several companies and nonprofits.

Ajai has a heart for the disability community and serves on many local and national boards. She currently is solo parenting an artistic adult daughter with disabilitiies and together they are navigating this life with faith and love. She currently runs a widow's support group that meets monthly sponsored by a local funeral home which provides a safe place for widows to experience their grief journey with love and compassion.