When Matt died, I went back to work immediately and until this week I would have told you that I was healing. I realized this week that instead of dealing with my feelings and emotions I instead put on this mask and pretended that I was okay. This week I said I am sad and I have the right to be no one can tell me that I have to be happy or have to pretend to be.
The other night a local cop stopped by the house for something stupid. But I went into a full-out panic when the dispatcher called to tell me that there was an officer outside. My mind went to a dark place. Once outside the officer told me why he was there. I did not mask my nerves.
I finally said to him sorry the last time one of you was here it was to give me bad news. He said I know that was me. That is why I had dispatch call you to come outside instead of knocking.
That interaction triggered my anxiety.
I had an anxiety attack on Thursday morning. Finally, I acknowledged that I ran from my grief. Instead of dealing with certain parts. Walls were put up around what made me uncomfortable. I masked my pain to survive.
Now that I have more free time to deal with things, I am starting to uncover the parts I ignored. The parts that facing head-on I could not do because I had someone to care for. Grief bombs are dropping all over and for once I am feeling my way through it.
I am not wearing a mask. F*ck that. If my grief is making someone uncomfortable then that is their problem. Masking up is not something I am willing to do.
Next weekend I am going to move into my house, and I think it will be good. I can’t move on while in the space I shared with them. I started to move some things this weekend and although it is still Matt’s books on the shelves or my grandma’s knick-knacks that will hang on the walls it feels at home but without the sadness.
It is a new beginning. Fresh start.
Matt would be happy to see me starting to heal and find peace. He was my light in the darkness. Now I am going to be my own light.
I am a strong woman who bought a farm and holds down a great job all while going through some shit and I am proud of that. And as I take these next steps to continue to heal and grieve, I know that I have a great support system that will be there for me. I just need to be honest about what I am feeling. And that has meant explaining my RBF that I was wearing a lot last week.