I lost track of the days in July. Not for any other reason than so much has been happening all at once. Staying busy helps me. On Friday I had to sign some paperwork and it hit me. Tuesday is his Birthday.
I thought this year I would be okay it is the second one without him that somehow it would not affect me as much as last year. But after realizing what Tuesday is I have been struggling more than I expected. With thoughts like in three short years, I will be the same age as he was when he died. He will forever be thirty-seven.
My sister’s birthday is today and I am glad that she went away for the weekend it makes it easier for me to cope. We had so many joint celebrations I think that there would have been grief triggers for me. Or pretending to be happy would have made it harder.
I can clearly remember the first year Matt was with us for his birthday he did not want to celebrate but my grandma made him his own small cake and made him. My grandma, I am sure will make sure the same happens this year. There will be a party in heaven on Tuesday.
But down here on earth I can’t help but miss him and think about how much he is missing. This past year has brought so many changes that he was not a part of but he should have been. His presence is with me every day so he is experiencing these milestones with me.
As Tuesday nears I feel the sadness kick up. I feel the grief wave that is approaching. Preparing for the storm that lies ahead of me is what I have to do. Tomorrow I will tell the two people at work that I am close to what Tuesday is so they can help me if needed on Tuesday.
I have plans for Tuesday night so that will help me not fall apart. My friend’s sister should be here that night. I am excited to see her.
This Blue Tuesday is just the first of many grief mines that I will experience in the next few months. The difference a year makes is that I am prepared to admit I am not okay this year. I know that his birthday, the fair, my birthday, and his death anniversary will be the worst.
His birthday holds so many special memories for me like the second one we were together is the one that he proposed to me. I replayed that night in my head the other night knowing that I would say yes over and over knowing how it ends.
His mom is coming over Saturday to see the house. I wish both of us could be here to do that. I wish he were here for me to get a cake for him and force him to celebrate. In the end, I know he is with me and will be here on Saturday.
I am going to keep my head up and fight my demons this week. Remember the good times we shared. Start a new art project. Put on some music and survive my Blue Tuesday.