Today I realized that the only thing keeping me from moving on was my own head. It was suggested months ago when I was in therapy that I start to try and date. Nothing serious but to dip my toe back in the water. I just wanted to make it through the two-year mark, so I waited.
This week I went to Cincinnati on a work trip. Listening to everyone talk about their partners made me want to try and dip my toe in the water again. I realize that although I am fine on my own, I do miss having someone to share my life with.
Someone I can call to say I landed safely other than my parents. Because the fear in my head is someday, they are going to pass away, and I will be alone. I have no children. This fear makes me want to conquer the fear of dating.
Like so many times before I download and reactivate my bumble profile. I reject 90% of the matches. Never message others. Then I get matched with someone who in a few pictures they look like Matt and that was all it took. My head screamed this is not right.
So, I decided to take a break from looking again. My head wins again. After all, I had the sheep and wool festival this weekend.
Saturday a friend popped in that I wasn’t expecting to see. Walking around and talking to him was nice even though I was exhausted from my trip. I realized after he left that maybe we should have exchanged contact information for once. And not just continue this friend at fairs thing we have been doing. But my head got in the way and I said goodbye and went back to the booth.
For years as teenagers, everyone in the barn would give me a hard time and try and say that I and this friend should date. I always responded that I did not think that he was interested in me or at least he never acted on it. Now all these years later people are saying the same thing.
My head tells me it would never work but my heart has always wondered what it would be like. When one of my friends started on the comments yesterday after he left, and I reminded her that he lives in another state. She laughed and said I am sure you could convince him to stay or move back.
I have tried other apps thinking maybe I just need something different. Now I am thinking the dating app might actually be the problem. I met Matt at work and we were friends for a while before we started dating. Thinking that I could meet someone online and develop enough trust to start dating them is the problem. My head is a messy place that I can’t just let anyone into.
I am going to continue to try and dip my toes back into the water. Knowing that Matt would not want me to be alone.