Running at full speed trying to stay ahead of the feelings that are going to catch up eventually.
Don’t slow down. Keep running.
Burnout is starting to happen. Wake up hugging the pillow wishing you could hear his heartbeat again. Comment that it is beating so fast. But reality hits and you start to stumble as you run.
Work is stressing you out there are multiple projects you are working on but not seeming to get anything done. Bringing work home because you are feeling like a failure. But you don’t slow down you just run faster.
Running starts to exhaust you.
By Thursday you don’t want to get out of bed. But you have responsibilities, so you make yourself get up, shower, and get out the door. You are glad that you work with a group of men that can’t tell that you cried yourself to sleep. You stop running and start to jog.
The exhaustion does not let up. You start to just feel the weight of everything. Your anxiety picks up and tells you that not running full steam is not an option. It starts to lie to you. You believe the lies that you are not good enough and that no one values what you are doing.
You run to you can’t do it anymore. Finally taking a day to just do nothing. The stress just starts to melt away.
Tomorrow is Monday and you must go back to work. Around dinner, you start to dread the coming week. The race will start in twelve hours. You don’t know if you have the energy to run this week.
After dinner, before starting to write I decided to do some self-care baking. A batch of gluten-free muffins for me and six dozen chocolate chip cookies.
I am still feeling on edge. Still stressing about everything that I need to accomplish before Friday when I head to Maine for my best friend’s wedding.
I am taking deep breaths and trying to just put one foot in front of another. Knowing if he was here Matt would be telling me to slow down. To take a day to relax. Not to believe the stuff my anxiety tells me.
The next few weeks are going to be hard and I know that. I need to remind myself that feeling sad is okay but not to let it consume me. That running from grief has never been a good thing.
I am acknowledging that going to a wedding is going to be hard even though I am excited for my friend. Thanksgiving may crush me without grandma. And if I fall apart after I get home from Maine or after everyone leaves on Thanksgiving it will still be okay.
This week I am going to be better about self-care and self-love. I am going to leave work on time and not bring anything home. Work on my schoolwork at a set time and then work on Christmas cards or read a book. I am not going to run this week I am going to walk.
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Looking for a way you can make a difference and give back this holiday season? Embrace the spirit of giving by participating in Hope for Widows Foundation’s third annual ‘Bring Hope’ virtual program that directly assists a widow’s family who cannot provide gifts for their children or other necessities during this holiday season. Some widows who are struggling to make ends meet during this time simply do not have the luxury of purchasing gifts when their finances require them to choose between keeping the lights on and food on the table or purchasing presents. Add in the factors of solo parenting, grief, and the emotional and physical toll it takes. If you would like more details on how you can support a widow and her family, please EMAIL US directly for questions at info@hopeforwidows.org or to sponsor, go here for details and to fill out the application: https://linktr.ee/hopeforwidows
About Laurel Snook
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.
This is perfect Laurel, you and I are pretty close in our timelines. Both of us were caregivers. I thought I was doing “normal”, busy, work, etc. and then this past week I have been a mess of missing him.
Yes, I need to give myself space and acceptance.
💕