In the darkness was the woman I was before Matt died. The woman he fell in love with. Someone I forgot I was until it was pointed out to me that I was avoiding so much of the person I used to be. This year was supposed to be the year I found myself and I have been failing.
This week I took the steps to start the healing I have been avoiding. Last week I let one of my guy friends on my Bumble in order to prove that the pickings on there are not great. He saw a guy that was into playing games and was nerdy and went he is perfect for you. I responded no he is not because I forgot who I was and stopped finding her.
I have been putting off playing video games because I group them into my mind with a part of my life with Matt but that is not true. That nerdy girl that loved to play strategy games and Assassins Creed existed way before Matt did in my life. It was probably one of the things he loved about me. It was time that I started to find her again.
Friday night I sat on my couch it had been a long week. I had to finish my online class and work which was intense. Just wanting to do something fun I decided I was going just to rip off the band-aid and play a game. I opened Steam and looked at new games because it would not hurt if it was something we ever played together. But finding a new game was harder than I expected.
I may never be able to play my favorite game again but I was able to play Torchlight. It was great being able to go through the levels again. Not getting upset with some memories of us playing Torchlight together. I remembered all the things that I loved about gaming before Matt.
Now I just need to work up to plugging in the PlayStation and playing Assassins Creed. That one has been harder to find the courage to do as the PlayStation and the game were gifts from him. But life is going on and I am starting to go with it.
Saturday, I went and had lunch with one of my friends it has been a while since we have been able to do that. It was great to be able to get out of the house and go to a distillery that I have not been to before and just enjoy each other’s company. She was one of my support people after Matt died and has continued to be there when I am lost.
Today I baked way too many cookies something that I always enjoyed baking and the first year that Matt was gone I made murder gingerbread. Someone mentioned them to me this year as everyone thought they were great that year. Not realizing that it was the darkest time in my life that inspired them but today I made some. Not because I hate Christmas but because it was actually fun to make them. Finding my way back to happiness has been the best part of this year.
I am finding my way back to the light. Knowing that there will be days that I will want to crawl into bed and sleep and days where rediscovering parts of me won’t be terrifying. As we get ready for the holidays which can be difficult it is important to remember that although the darkness might stop in to visit it will leave the sun will shine again.