This week has been the fight against the darkness. Out of nowhere, it started rolling in. I don’t know if it was not having power on Tuesday because of a snowstorm. Wondering if my dad was going to have to help me with the generator.
Thoughts somehow drift to if Matt was alive, he would have done this. Then what am I going to do if something happens to my dad? The darkness starts to settle around me.
Thursday Tiernan had a concert. I was happy that I figured out how to make it there but couldn’t help the dark thoughts of Matt should be here. All the things that he is going to miss over Tiernan’s lifetime.
This is the thread that starts to pull me apart. I started watching a TV show that I watched with Matt. Rewatching the first season trying not to think about how I watched with him curled up on the couch. Then the second season which is new. Rooting for love to win but not unhappy when it didn’t.
This darkness is not as bad as when Matt first died. I have learned how to push those thoughts away. To keep it at bay.
When I could not shake the feeling I had to figure out what was making me take this spin into darkness. Then I saw a Facebook post about how Hunger Games came out eleven years ago. Our first date was to see the movie.
And this darkness I know it is the one that hates that Matt and I only got eight years together. That this would have marked our eleven years together. The journey from friends to dating to married. And now I am just Matt’s widow.
Matt’s widow is a loaded title. It is not something that I wanted. I wanted the whole dream not darkness in the shadow that reminds me that I had love and the promise of happy ever after.
But I will power through. I will breathe when I feel like I am drowning. Keep the darkness at bay until it fades into the shadows once more. The key is to feel and not shut down.
Spring is almost here and then I can sit outside in the sun and feel the warmth on my face. Feel my soul heal. Slay my dragons and keep the darkness from taking over.