I lay awake not wanting to go to sleep. You have been in my dreams this week. Not once but twice. After ten months of nothing you came to visit twice.
While you are with me it is amazing, I feel whole again. I feel loved. Then in the morning, you are gone. You only live in my dreams.
In the first dream, I was so excited that I found you. I was quitting my job so I could go where you were. And then my alarm went off.
In the past, these dreams would have crushed me. I wouldn’t be able to shake the loss again. But I do enjoy your visits now. It reminds me that you were real, and my heart misses you.
The next night I didn’t want to fall asleep I was not wanting a dream without you. Or maybe I feared another dream. But nothing happened that night no dreams at all like normal.
Thursday night I fell asleep without issue. And woke in the middle of the night after another dream. The last thing I said to you was are you going to leave me again is that why you won’t kiss me?
This dream hit me a bit. You are there and then gone over and over. It is not my time to join you yet. I know this but still, it hurts that I can only visit you in my dreams.
I have been neglecting my self-care. Friday night I turned on a movie and grabbed my art supplies and just disconnected.
The best sleep I have had in a while was that night. No dreams no waking up to the loss of you again.
I do love when you visit I just wish we could stay together. In these dreams, I wish I could get closure. In the past, you would ask me to wait, and I would say always. And it left me waiting not wanting to move on. Those dreams mostly happened when I thought I was ready.
These dreams this week have left me confused about what they mean. I was not missing him, not stressed, and not looking to move on. They left me with no clues as to what they meant.
My friends have been encouraging me to see a medium and see if you come through so I can attempt to get closure. In the past, I was set against it but more and more I think these dreams are you really visiting. Maybe then I can find the peace I am searching for.
About Laurel Snook
Laurel became a young widow on October 2, 2020, her husband Matt had a heart attack he was only 37. Matt was a juvenile diabetic and they always knew he would die young but she never thought that she could be a widow at 32. Navigating grief with anxiety, regrets and guilt have been a struggle for Laurel. They had gotten into a fight days before he died and they had talked about divorce. One of the things that helped her the most is finding other widows who understood the pain she was feeling. In February she decided to start writing her story. Self-care is something else she started to do daily and art has become her outlet to get what she is feeling out which she shares on her Instagram. Being a young widow comes with its own challenges but we are not alone in this journey.
You can find her on Instagram @HealingPorcupine or her personal blog link- Healingporcupine.com.