Widow Brain
When I first heard the term “widow brain,” or “widows fog,” I just assumed that widow brain was a difficult experience during only the earliest months of grief. As I have read more about the topic, I’ve been surprised to learn that the human brain permanently changes after a major trauma, and a highly stressful event such as the death of a spouse is very traumatic.
I can honestly say after almost two complete years on this dreadfully hard journey, that my brain just simply isn’t the same. It is kind of strange. I don’t recall simple details as well as I used to, like where I put household objects or paperwork. I get overwhelmed more easily by too many people talking at once along with music in the background or loud noises. I used to be the queen of multi-tasking and now I’m not so good at it anymore. If people ask me too many questions at once, I get overwhelmed by too many decisions to make and kinda blank out a bit or pause. Sometimes it feels like my head aches from over use or from a particularly hard day of grief and crying.
Recently, I had a really strange experience. Another trigger and trauma moment. I hadn’t been into our pharmacy in several years because we were using the covid curbside service. Sadly I showed up to discover that the service had been discontinued. This pharmacy is within the local medical facility where I had always run errands to pick up my sweetheart’s routine medications. The pharmacist that works there knew my husband and I both and had seen me at my worst at a curbside pick up just shortly after my hubby’s death. It is the month of his home going to heaven, and everything about the season changing reminds me of that awful event my life.
And worst of all…..that dreadful smell. The hospital smell of sterile, potent chemicals and circulated air overwhelmed me as I stepped through the front door. Now whenever I smell it, it smells like death. It was so strong that I couldn’t escape it even if I covered my nose with my shirt. My husband died in the emergency room. I detest the sterile hospital smell. Needless to say, I had what I would call a mini melt down and the tears flowed for so long once I climbed back into my vehicle.
I was shocked with how my mind functioned for the rest of the day. I was anxious and distracted and found it difficult to settle into any task. In conversation I kept saying the wrong words without realizing. A thick fog settled into my brain and it literally hurt my head to try to think through this fog. I couldn’t remember the simplest things. Widow brain is crazy.
Now what I want to know, is are there exercises or things I could be doing, eating, practicing, reading, etc….that could help heal my exhausted mind?
I know I’m not the only precious widow to experience this. So please know you aren’t alone if you are struggling with “widow brain.”
Do you have any stories or examples of how you have experienced this in your grief journey?
In Hope & Prayers,
This Widow Mama
Do you know someone ready to make a meaningful impact this holiday season? Join us in embracing the true spirit of giving by getting involved in the Hope for Widows Foundation’s ‘Bring Hope Holiday Assistance Program’ virtual initiative, now in its third year. This program directly supports widows who may be struggling to provide gifts and essentials for their children during the holiday season.
For many widows facing financial challenges, the choice between keeping the lights on, putting food on the table, and buying presents can be heart-wrenching. When you add the responsibilities of solo parenting, the weight of grief, and the toll it takes emotionally and physically, the burden becomes even greater.
To become a sponsor and access more information, and details visit the following link: https://bit.ly/3ZROBWo
For our widows/hope sisters in the community, please stay tuned as we’ll be sending out widow applications for sponsorship this holiday season very soon.
Let’s come together and make a difference in the lives of those who need it most.
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
I’m in my 7th year of widowhood and my brain has permanently changed. Some for the better, some for the worst. I feel smarter and more perceptive now, having gone through it. It’s strengthened my ability to feel and read feelings, almost at a psychic level. I’ve always been a creative type, but I found that widowhood somehow allowed the artist in me to come alive. I say all this, but I can’t leave out the exhaustion that comes along with it. And when I am exhausted, I am sloppy in all areas of my life. I also have to fit in time for grieving, which is of course tiring. I feel as if widowhood brought me closer to Earth, God, and my own spirit. I’m thankful for the enlightenment and mental gifts I have received in this space, but I am tired. Very, very tired.
Thank you for sharing that. I am glad your experiences with widow brain also had some positives.
Oddly enough I was starting some post graduate continuing ed to be trauma informed. Little did I know that I would be thrust into a trauma that my daughter and I would need to navigate. I had lost my brother to a short illness the last day of 2017. Sept 5 2019 I received a phone call that changed everything, 5 days later my spouse was gone. I has been 4 years and their are moments that I loose all sense of being grounded. I have learned that somatic exercise and grounding techniques help to gain some focus. I also know that the Vagus Nerve is the key to understanding how the central nervous system works. When the Vagus Nerve is imbalanced the sympathetic (fight, flight) and parasympathetic nervous systems are out or balance. Our brains and bodies become dysregulated. I work with clients who have trauma in their backgrounds, and when I facilitate groups I often incorporate a progressive muscle relaxation exercise before we start our group or workshop. The brain is malleable and resilient in itself, I’m working my way back from the unexpected loss on my husband. The hardest part is witnessing and watching how the trauma has affected our daughter. That is for another time, but I know from my own experience that we can heal and mend.
That is great information. I so appreciate you sharing your knowledge and also your own personal story of loss and grief with us here.
My husband passed away unexpectedly in August of 2021. Yes…the “Widow’s Brain” is very familiar to me as well. About 6 months after his death I started an exercise program working out in a gym individually and with small groups. It has been life altering for me.
That is so good to know. Thank you for sharing that.
My husband passed in the early morning of December 24, 2021. Since his passing, I have read about the brain, the difficulty it has transitioning from “us” to “me.” It is a very real journey that only those that have traveled will understand.
One of my difficulties since his passing has been retrieving memories of our over 40 years together. I bought a journal that was geared toward remembering the precious memories such as his morning routine, his “favorites.” That purchase has been a big step in moving forward (I cannot say “moving on”) without my guy by my side. I had to keep a pen and paper near once the memories started to flow. It has been a true blessing. I intend to share this journal with my family as a Christmas gift from “us.”
That is such a sweet idea and such an important part of grieving. Those memories may feel like all we have left after losing our husbands. The from “us” to “me” is so so hard. thank you for sharing.
I truly believe in the “widow fog”. My husband passed suddenly & unexpectedly on May 31, 2022. At work, I will get “spacey” sometimes. But I feel it more on the weekends when I am home all alone. I usually have a running list in my head of what I want to accomplish, but a lot of times it just…..vanishes. I have started to make paper lists of almost everything. Chores, errands, groceries, ideas, etc. Also, I’ve started to do word or number puzzles – on paper. It feels like the tangible of having pen and paper in hand makes me feel less mushy.
I can completely relate. To do lists are my friend, lol. I have quite a pile of them. Thanks for sharing your experiences and suggestions.
My husband passed away unexpectedly 17 months ago. At first when I heard of widow fog it didn’t seem like I would experience it, but reflecting back it seems very likely. His absence is a stark reality now without the cushion of before.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. It is amazing how different our grief journey looks when we are down the road looking back at it. It is so hard.