Do you ever dream about your late husband?

 

When my sweetheart died I was forced to trade in my favorite books about Christian marriages, great dates, romance and parenting your children together for the books I never expected to read at age 36 about widowhood, grief and solo parenting. I read while nursing our youngest, still a baby and completely unaware of his own devastating loss. I read and I read. I learned about accounts of other widows’ experiences and so many accounts seemed to share they had experienced meaningful and life-like dreams during their grief journeys. Dreams that bought comfort and reassurance that their husbands were okay or sending them love. Dreams of comfort offering a little glimpse of their beloved enjoying heaven. Dreams that seemed to help them heal along grief’s painful journey. So,… I prayed and I asked God for this kind of a dream.

I prayed and I prayed and my dreams were filled with trauma. Seeing him sick again and dead again, or dead for another reason. Re-living my loss. Re-feeling my tragedy. So I prayed some more…. “please God, just give me a glimpse of his happiness in paradise with you. I want to see him happy and whole. I want to hear his sweet voice say that he loves me and that everything is wonderful for him and everything will be okay for me.” Or I want a dream that gives a sense of closure or a sense of hope. I longed for reassurance and comfort.

I have pleaded, but thus far my dreams continue along the same themes of processing and experiencing trauma. I have dreamed he becomes better and doesn’t die, or appears dead and wakes up unexpectedly. Like Jesus’ miracle healing his friend Lazarus and raising him from the dead. Oh how I wish he still did that kind of a miracle in our day and age. I have dreamed he never was sick and that his death was actually a dream, and I have awoke from many a dream after a full night of rest literally exhausted and emotionally drained to start the day. The dreams that re-write my painful reality with a much happier ending, like recovering in the hospital or people thinking he was dead but he was not are the worst to wake from. Sometimes they become so lifelike that I can feel the relief and the joy only to wake up and crash back into my devastating reality all over again. Dreams are rough.

I haven’t yet had one of those famous comforting dreams that I have read about, but I will keep hoping and praying that one day I will be given that gift.

What are your experiences with dreams on your grief journey?

In Hope & Prayers,

From this Widow Mama

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Dorothy Swanson

Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.

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