This is a question that I have heard many times. Others who have suffered a great loss likely have as well.
Some get offended by it (honestly, rightfully so) but I’ve made my peace with it.
I even opted to add that he fought a battle with depression and chose to end his own suffering, to his obituary. This is because I get that humans are naturally curious when someone passes away. I’ve been curious as well when I’ve heard about the passing of someone I know or know of.
There was a time, however, when I got so tired of that question–particularly if it was asked with absolutely no decorum whatsoever:
Me: (Shares a post on social media about how I miss my now-departed spouse.)
Most people: “I’m so sorry,” or “I can’t imagine,” etc.
That ONE person: how did he die?
No other comment, no “I’m sorry for your loss,” just a random “how did he die?”
Yeah, that used to get me pretty fired up.
More often than not, I wouldn’t even have to say anything to the offender as my friends would jump right on it and let the person know that their question was actually quite inappropriate.
But was it really?
Like I said before, it’s pretty common to be curious about death.
I do believe that people ought to use tact when inquiring, but most folks probably just want to know what happened.
In my case, Bret was young, in excellent physical shape, and always seemed upbeat and happy, to those outside of his household. His death came as a shock to most people, which included his social media following. It was only logical that I was going to get that question and get it more often than I would have preferred.
Everyone has different feelings about it though, and if that question offends you, you do not have to answer it. You can even let the asker know that you are in fact offended by it. Grief is a tricky thing and we handle it however we handle it.
If you’re not offended by the question though, you can answer it with as much detail as you are comfortable. Bret unalived himself, so I have no problem telling askers just that. Most people immediately reply back by offering their condolences along with an apology for possibly triggering me.
Others yet, will ASK HOW HE DID IT. (Meaning his chosen method.)
To me, that’s more than just a little audacious, so I make sure to give them the most detailed answer I can muster up. Truly, there are just some things that people really shouldn’t want to know, and that is one of them.
But for those who just want to know how he died? I tell them.
More often than not, it opens up a healthy dialogue about mental health and ends up being a positive conversation all the way around.
The only thing I really like to drive home to askers though, is to always please do so with respect and tact. It is not only respectful to the departed, but it’s respectful to the bereaved person as well.
Image via BingAI
About Layla Beth Munk
Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.
Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.