Snow day grief: Walking a path without an ending

I’m exhausted.

I woke up this morning ready for work – I work remotely from home, thank goodness. And I didn’t have bus duty for my three kids this morning which usually has me up by 6 a.m. and outside by 6:30 a.m. to make sure they get on their buses on time.

But this week, we had a blizzard! Fourteen inches of snow on the ground later and we’re all home – they get the day off from school and I… still have to work.

Last night, I filled up jugs of water in case we needed them to flush the toilets and, every time, I would walk off while it filled up – forgetting what I was doing and moving on to the next thing. Somehow, I managed to successfully fill four jugs of water.

I also had to ensure everyone had a flashlight and charged phones. I had a few candles handy and I had to do some laundry before we lost power – and the dishes and move the car closer to the road and make sure we had enough drinking water, bread and eggs…

It’s all a lot to do when you’re only one person trying to manage a household by yourself. I should probably just make myself checklists – it might help.

This morning, a blizzard-y Monday and not the kind from Dairy Queen, after I woke up and before I could sit at the computer and “get to work,” I had to let the dogs out for the morning. To do that, I also had to immediately go outside and shovel a path to help them get back into the house after they did their business. So, there I was, outside in pajamas and flip flops with a shovel – at least the snow was fluffy and easy to shovel. Plus, we live in a somewhat rural area, so there wasn’t anyone outside to witness that I saw.

When the dogs came in, I remembered that I didn’t have coffee yet, so I attempted to brew a-cuppa… and then realized that some of my outlets in our kitchen didn’t come back online after a power outage last night. But, instead of going down to the basement – where it was cold – I decided the best thing to do would be to physically carry my coffee pot around my kitchen testing outlets. I found one after testing at least three different outlets around the kitchen.

I also realized the pets needed to be fed – so I handled that before sitting down at our dining room table for my daily staff meeting with my cuppa-o’-coffee. The Wonder Woman cup my mom had given me was so warm – it made me happy. Then, my youngest came barreling into the room with a new-to-them problem – the toaster also wasn’t working and they couldn’t microwave their bagel, either. This was going to be a day.

They and my two other children navigated breakfast while I tried to be present for my staff call as the kids hooted and hollered in the background. I managed to call that a success and work on a couple of projects from my dining room table spot while they giggled, played and went on about their days, having the time of their lives without school.

Then, lunch happened – I realized I had made another cup of coffee but forgot about it for a few hours. My son also had a problem with the microwave because I had not had a chance to wander down to the basement for five minutes. He’s 16 and, with all the seriousness in the world, he asked me how he would reheat his pasta if the microwave wasn’t working. I blinked and gave him what is probably the obvious answer here – eat it cold or heat it up on the stove. Again, so seriously, he asked me how he would heat it up on the stove. After all, he had just put his pasta on a plastic plate and that would obviously melt if he heated the plate on the stove.

I should have just made more coffee. We were only halfway through the day.

Running a household is way more adulting than any adult ever warned us about when we were teenagers. Doing it as a solo parent and widow, and one with raging ADHD, prolonged grief, PTSD, etc. at that, is an entirely different level altogether.

There’s a lot of feelings with that new stage, too. I often still feel anger or resentment – The kids and I wouldn’t have to do all of this alone if he were here… Relief or strength and resolve – I know that I can; I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. And those feelings are always coupled with sadness and regret knowing what my husband must have gone through, especially leading up to his death.

My name is Jenn; I’m really grateful to be here with you as a blogger for the Hope for Widows Foundation. My husband died by suicide on Sept. 1, 2021, the first day of suicide prevention awareness month. I’ve learned a lot as a widow and as a suicide loss survivor and I hope that I can share some of that path with you.

I used to call it a grief or suicide loss journey but a mentor recently told me that the word “journey” implies that there will be a concrete ending at some point. So, for me, this is a grief or suicide loss path that I’m now navigating with our three young (preteen and teenage) children. Grief is something that sticks with us for life and it’s our job to navigate that knowing that it will change with life’s ebbs and flows – especially for the kids. And, frankly, grief doesn’t take a snow day!

Every report card, every graduation, every bedtime, every breakup has the potential to be a new grief moment – good, bad, sad, mad, relief, indifferent, reflective, all of it. It doesn’t do me any good thinking that grief will end – it won’t. Although I do still wonder – Why am I still having all of these feelings? When will I move on?

But I’ve learned that I can grow through it and so that’s what my kids and I have to do. There’s hope in knowing that we can grow through this path.

In many ways, my grief path likely resembles the path of widows all over. And in many ways, it may be very different because of the type of loss we’ve experienced. But either way, we’re in this community together and I’m very grateful to be here. Thank you for having me.

What do you call your grief? Do you resonate with journey or path? Do you use another word for it? Sometimes, I call it things that probably shouldn’t be repeated here, but I’d be curious to know what others have come to know their grief as over time.

About Jennifer Antonik

Jennifer Antonik is a passionate grassroots activist and award-winning community journalist, public relations specialist, photographer and children’s book author. Antonik currently works as the associate editor of the Delaware Business Times and teaches journalism at Delaware Technical Community College (DTCC). Antonik graduated from DTCC with an associate degree in communications technology and a certificate in sign language. In December 2025, she earned dual bachelor's degrees from Wilmington University in behavioral science and communications with a concentration in public relations and strategic communications, as well as certificates in social media marketing and community engagement. She also holds certificates in financial coaching and a strategic planning approach to suicide prevention.

As an advocate, she played a role in challenging systems in hopes of making the world a better place, something she learned early on as a Girl Scout. Antonik helped expand midwifery care for birthing families in Delaware, successfully encouraged a local school district to provide a dedicated lactation space and refrigerator for students and faculty and led a grassroots effort to save, replace and replenish hundreds of manga books at a local middle school after administrators threatened to ban them altogether. This advocacy laid the groundwork for what would come next in her life – the loss of her husband. After losing her husband, best friend and co-parent Ben to suicide, she founded and now currently runs DJ’s Alliance, a nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting suicide loss survivors like her own family through peer support, resources and community outreach. The nonprofit recently collaborated with dozens of organizations across the state and nationally in advocating for the establishment of a statewide office of suicide prevention which also introduced the concept of postvention to Delaware Code.

Antonik has three pre-teen/teenage children at home and she’s recently discovered a love for Magic the Gathering and jalapeños.