It wasn’t too long after Bret left us that I * thought * I made peace with the whole thing. Or at least as much as I could have at that given point in time.
I forgave him very early on, having known his health battles throughout our years together; the man had struggled with one thing or another for as long as I had known him.
Some eight years earlier, he was given two weeks to live due to his liver just starting to fail – like, really fail. He was yellow, constantly yelling incoherently, in pain, and couldn’t even keep down water.
It was hard to accept that I was looking widowhood square in the face at that time, but as our minds do to protect ourselves, I began to try and make as much peace as I could with what was on the horizon.
But he lived.
For the years that followed, though, his health was up and down.
Yes, he made choices that certainly contributed to the down-side of things, but after he pulled through the liver failure, he considered every day after that a “bonus”; It wasn’t necessarily borrowed time to him. It was bonus time in his mind. And he lived it as he wanted to.
Some might say that’s the right idea, and in many ways it was. But Bret just wouldn’t give up the alcohol. He wouldn’t give up certain other behaviors that some would say were unhealthy, and ultimately, that added to the distressed mental state he was in before he took his life.
Having lived all of that alongside him, I guess I felt like it was going to be easier to accept. I saw the fight in him, first hand, so of course, I was able to forgive him.
What followed after that, though, was having to deal with how he lived, rather than how he died. The choices he made, the behaviors he committed to until the bitter end – those were harder pills to swallow. And with that, the peace I had made with everything came and went as well.
It still does.
Don’t get me wrong – there has been a huge shift in my life that only began just one year ago. And I am absolutely blissed-out-beyond-grateful for this shift. I know that my life wouldn’t be like this if things were as they had been eight or more years ago, which means the acceptance is back and is much more permanent.
And with acceptance comes peace.
But sometimes, when times are tough, I wonder how fair it is that he is “resting in peace,” and I am still having to deal with the chaotic human condition.
I am still dealing with the aftermath of his death, and find myself wondering just how long that is going to last.
His soul is floating around amongst the stardust, and I am still dealing with debts from our business that failed just months before he ended his time here.
Sometimes that just doesn’t seem fair.
But when I get to experience the first pure joys I have in over a decade, I feel that sometimes-elusive peace all over again.
I guess it’s just always going to be like this. Some days, things make sense; some days they don’t.
So on those days when the peace is with me, and I feel like I have truly risen from the ashes, I hold onto that feeling.
I hold on hard, with everything I have.
Images via ChatGPT
About Layla Beth Munk
Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.
Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.