One of the first books about widowhood I read right after Rick’s death was The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion. I’ve always been an avid reader, so my natural response to anything is to search out a book that relates to whatever stage of life I’m in. I found the book to be exactly how it was described… “a powerful and honest account of grief, exploring themes of love, loss, memory, and sanity as Didion tries to make sense of her profound loss and the ‘magical thinking’ that accompanied her mourning process.” It was a comfort to read about someone who understood what I was experiencing.
I was steeped in magical thinking for a long time. When lights blinked in my house, I thought, he’s here! And I’d immediately begin talking to him, telling him how much I missed him, or whatever was on my mind at the time. Even a year after his death, I was still hoping for some miraculous sign that he was with me. On my solo drive from Michigan to Florida, just after leaving the Jack in the Box drive thru we used to love stopping at in Franklin, Tennessee, one of his favorite songs came on the car radio. I sang along with the song, tears in my eyes. In the middle of the chorus that he used to belt out in his booming baritone voice, the passenger “seat occupied” light came on! He was there! He was with me! I knew it!
That was a long time ago, and I’d long forgotten about one of “the signs” until recently. My office is across the hall from my bedroom. Every now and then, in the stillness of the house, I’d hear the printer make a little grinding noise, like it was cycling on for some reason. Every time I heard it, I told myself it was Rick. Of course he would use some type of technology to reach me. He was a writer/designer who loved his gadgets. It was obvious he’d use some electronic device to let me know he was still here.
Magical thinking at its finest.
As years went on, I forgot about most of those desperate attempts to believe Rick was communicating with me. But in the beginning, they were a great comfort to me, as I wanted so hard to believe he wasn’t entirely gone from my life.
One recent night, the house was still, and I was reading in bed, when I heard the printer making that old familiar noise. I’m sure it has been doing it all along, but it’s probably just been a normal house noise to me now. Nothing significant.
But the sound took me way back… back to nearly nine years ago, when I was so despondent that I was desperate to hear from Rick and imagined him trying to communicate with me from beyond. I had also just recently rewatched one of my old favorite movies, “Practical Magic,” so my mind was ripe for imagining things again. And I realized after all these years, I still truly believe he’s here.
I may not look for signs any more, and I’m okay here on my own now, but magical thinking helped me cope with Rick’s loss until I could function normally again. I can remember vividly how desperate and depressing life was in the aftermath of his death.
I wrote this poem about that stage of grief, a time when I wished more than anything for some magical way to bring Rick back to me.
PRACTICAL MAGIC
I wish I could
work magic
How amazing that would be
I’d wave my wand and say
Shazam!
and bring you back to me
I wish I was
a sorceress
with powers beyond time
I’d travel back
a dozen years
to when I called you mine
I wish I owned
a spellbook
with death-defying powers
I’d use them to
breathe life into
the love that once was ours
But I can’t
practice magic
I’ve no secrets from above
I’m just a
mortal woman
yearning for the man I love
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Mark Your Calendars! The Hope for Widows Foundation’s annual virtual Widows of Hope 5K is back! Join us virtually from Friday, May 8, through Sunday, May 10, 2026. This event is open to all whether you’re a widow, widower, a friend or family member showing support, or participating in honor of a loved one or cause. Your involvement makes a real difference, with all proceeds directly benefiting widows through our Restoring Hope and Peace Grants, Sunshine Boxes Program,and Bring Hope Holiday Assistance Program.
To register, support and find FAQs here: https://linktr.ee/hopeforwidows
If you or a business you know would like to support, we’d love to connect. Go here: https://hopeforwidows.org/5k-sponsorship/
