As widows, we often talk about and hear from other widows how they have changed since their beloved spouse is no longer on earth. We often hear stories of how much the former life we once had is not a reflection of the current state of events. From the smallest things to the larger things, most things in life were significantly altered. Sometimes to the point of not even being able to remember the former life we once experienced.
My life has changed in many ways since my husband died almost 9 years ago. I no longer live in the same residence, or drive the same vehicle(s), or even look the same. Places I once visited, I don’t visit today and have no plans to return to those same places. People I once had close relationships with, I barely even speak to now, which often makes me sad. The church I worshiped at for over 10 years, I do not attend there anymore and still miss the expressions of praise and worship exhibited.
Many of these changes are a result of life circumstances that suddenly shifted due to becoming a widow having to navigate this treacherous life alone. A few were self-imposed. Deciding that I needed a change of residence, after realizing I could no longer afford the same standard of living since my income was reduced. By moving to a new neighborhood, I lost the wonderful neighbors I shared life with for over 15 years. I lost my large, flower garden that brought me much joy and enhanced my life in ways I only remember. Now these arthritic knees won’t tolerate getting down with Mother Nature and turning the soil to prepare for each season’s gardening wealth and wonder. While I still love flowers and plants, I have not planted any flowers in my current smaller garden and only hang a potted plant on my little porch.
Not only have the changes been physical, the haunting emotions of the psychological and emotional changes are what lingers longer. I’ve always been very independent and strong-willed, able to control my pathways in life- or so I thought. When I became married later in life, I gave up some of my independence and yielded to my husband to help me make many major decisions that affected our family. It suddenly felt good to have someone to help me “figure out” life and I enjoyed the partnership we had over the 23 years of marriage. I won’t say it was easy for me to allow my decisions to be influenced by someone else, but over time I learned it was better for the household and our marriage if we were unified. Over time, I think I took advantage of his wisdom and knowledge in certain areas and let him “figure things out”. Why should I stress over the finances or other major decisions, when he got so much pleasure in “being the man of the house.” So, I slowly consented to him handling all the bills and trusted he would make wise decisions that could steer our household on solid financial ground, which he did. But that is the comfort in having a husband, to protect, watch over and be a provider.
When he died suddenly, I had to immediately figure out how the household finances worked even with less income. I still appreciate that he kept logical records in a book of what we paid each month, and even had a 3-drawer plastic file drawer marked “to be paid” where he stashed bills as they arrived in the mail. I just had to follow along with his simple system and juggle money we no longer had. The stress was enormous, and I was constantly full of anxiety, but I’m proud to say that I didn’t bounce a check, nor was I late for a payment! That to me is just like God- holding us up during trying times of life! I’m more than grateful.
Nowadays, I’ve changed most of the bills we owe to automatic payments and have reduced my check writing to only a few a month. This simple act- automatic debits, has aided me in keeping track of what I owe and definitely reduced my monthly bill paying anxiety. Although the household has less money, I entered into a debt reduction plan years ago, and have consistently stuck to the plan over the past 8 years, my finances are in good shape. I keep to a tight budget with a little monthly cushion factored in, which has fostered a better appreciation for money. I recommend to other widows to seek expert advice immediately from someone you can trust to help guide you through planning for the future and beyond. Even if your finances look bleak, the opinion and expertise of a financial advisor can clarify what steps to take now to better prepare for later.
While I’m still taking tiny steps to organize and plan my current lifestyle, I strive to make my life better. I am slowly getting comfortable again at being alone with only my thoughts and dreams. I have had to stand on my faith in God through some trying situations and circumstances in my life, and I remember how He opened doors I couldn’t even see were there.
Widowhood is hard. It can be lonely, and it can wear even the most strongest woman down to tears. I’m working on making my “past self jealous of my current self” by seeking rest, advice, laughter, and participating in events that bring me a glimmer of joy. I admit that finding joy is a constant battle for me, but I know God loves widows and has great plans for me. I just need to cherish the wonderful memories of days past and be grateful for the promised future- which is good.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, ‘plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.
“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24
“Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. Psalm 143:8
About Ajai Blue-Saunders
Ajai Blue-Saunders is a servant leader and works for a nonprofit in the Richmond VA area. She is always seeking ways to encourage and serve others, even while experiencing the sudden death of her husband in 2015. Her work experience includes project development, herbalist, management, supervision and overseeing several companies and nonprofits.
Ajai has a heart for the disability community and serves on many local and national boards. She currently is solo parenting an artistic adult daughter with disabilitiies and together they are navigating this life with faith and love. She currently runs a widow's support group that meets monthly sponsored by a local funeral home which provides a safe place for widows to experience their grief journey with love and compassion.
I’m thankful my story gives you hope. I can say after almost 9 years there is hope and although things look and are different I can feel gratitude and God’s hand on my life. He loves me and wants the best for me. Just believe.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I relate to your words. My husband passed away unexpectedly 21 months ago. My son, daughter, and me had to move from our home of 17 years. Lost community, neighborhood, neighbors, and friends. There isn’t anything about life that looks the same. Thank you for sharing hope.