Hot take incoming:
Not long after Bret died, I became aware of something that gave me some pretty conflicted feelings.
I’m still not sure how to feel about it, even seven+ years later.
Bret had been a well-known guy with lots of friends, the world over. Some of those friends reached out to me, some didn’t. That was okay. People grieve in their own way, and I was having a tough time getting to all the well-wishers anyway.
Among those who didn’t reach out, there were a handful of them who took their thoughts about his death to their social media pages, in such a way that you would have thought they had just lost the only person who’d ever meant anything to them.
They went on for weeks, sharing memories, accepting condolences like they were his widow or children. All while ignoring his actual widow and children.
One person, a woman who’d always had an obvious crush on him, went off on social media for months following his death, about how her “upcoming book” was going to be dedicated to him and the memory of their “beautiful, deep friendship.”
They didn’t even know each other in person.
I really had to sit with my thoughts about all of this, and still find myself thinking about it once in a while.
These people absolutely had the right to feel the pain of his passing. He’d made an impact on so many people! Of course they were going to mourn him, and rightfully so.
But the ones who used this tragedy (that absolutely ruined my life for so long) as a way to get attention for themselves and portray themselves as the ones he left behind were positively despicable, in my opinion.
They weren’t the ones who heard the loud bang in the garage and went out to find him lifeless in the driver’s seat of our car.
They weren’t the ones who got left behind with debt and all the other widowhood headaches.
They weren’t the ones who had to make his final arrangements and be all but dragged out of the room so they could cremate him.
Their lives, albeit with the tangible void the loss of a friend brings, would go on as normal. Mine would not. But to see them waxing poetic about it on social media, you’d have thought otherwise.
This has greatly affected the way I handle the passing of people I know. When expressing condolences or sharing the news of a friend’s passing, I make sure to acknowledge the bereaved family, whether I know them or not. I know it’s okay for me to be sad and to even share my thoughts about the loss, but I never want to make it about me.
That time, that early raw time when the grief is new, when worlds have been turned upside down, is not about the person who clicked like on a Facebook post a year ago – it’s about the people who have to live, day and night, with the aftermath of loss.
If you want to honor their memory, do something nice for those who were left behind. At the very least, acknowledge them.
Bret had been a musician, and he used to joke about how he never had enough “groupies.” There have been times since he’s been gone that I stand next to his urn and tell him about all the “groupies” who showed up after he passed.
I can still see him smirking, from behind the veil, shaking his head and saying, “That’s not what I meant, Babe. That’s not what I meant.”
(Image via BingAI)
Mark your calendars! The Hope For Widows Foundation’s annual Widows of Hope 5K is back! Join us virtually from Friday, May 9, through Sunday, May 11, 2025.
This event is open to all—whether you’re a widow, widower, a friend or family member showing support, or participating in honor of a loved one or cause. Your involvement makes a real difference, with all proceeds directly benefiting widows through our Restoring Hope and Peace Grants, Sunshine Boxes program, and Bring Hope Holiday Assistance Program.
Register and find FAQs here: http://getmeregistered.com/WidowsofHope5K
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About Layla Beth Munk
Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.
Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.
Thank you for posting. I lost my husband going on 8 months now and all that I am going through and feeling that I question so much makes me see I am not alone and what I feel so many other widows have gone through. These groups and post is really helping me thank you so much.