…decisions.
I got entirely too used to Bret making most of the decisions for us, or at least very heavily weighing in when I had decisions to make for myself.
It was no secret that he called all the shots. For the most part, it was Bret’s way or the highway. There were lots of things, however, that we did plan together.
It was nice not to have to handle everything all on my own.
After he ended his life, I had to reacquaint myself with making all the decisions. Boy howdy, was that tough. Of course, the tremendous grief made it a lot more difficult to navigate at first, but it was still rough there for a while as I healed.
Now, it’s not so bad being the one to make all the decisions.
Sure, I run things by my grown kids, and yes, we all weigh in together on the things that will affect us all, but now it’s pretty nice being able to make my own choices.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s helpful and comforting to be able to face choices and major life decisions with someone else. But if I am the one making my own choices, then there’s no chance that I’m going to later be harboring secret resentments; resentments that are there because someone else decided something for me without considering my thoughts.
Yes, if I mess up, it’s all on me. That can be a scary thought, but after years of watching Bret make multiple emotion-based decisions, I try to make sensible, logic-driven choices. Especially when it comes to something that will affect the rest of my life and the lives of my two children.
As a Gen Xer who is facing the same retirement-age issues that many in my generation are, I have some pretty big decisions to make about my future in the next little while. I will always welcome feedback from those I love and trust most in the world, but ultimately, I am the one doing the planning.
This is both a scary and liberating thought. For a long time, I was made to believe that I was incapable of making any of life’s big decisions.
Here I am, though, seven years later, making decisions and honestly, not doing too bad a job of it.
Could things be better? Absolutely.
But they could be a hell of a lot worse, too.
Image via Bing AI
About Layla Beth Munk
Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.
Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.