You should be here! The four words I often find myself saying in my head. Simple four little words that go around in my head and can tend to bring emotions and other thoughts to follow. But he isn’t here, I am. 


You certainly plan on growing old together, I did. I mean “death do you part” comes much much later right? This is just not how I saw my life going.  Headed for possible divorce and then being widowed at 40. We still had a lot of life left to live together.  But…….we didn’t get to.  Mental illness came and destroyed our lives. He won’t see our kids grow and make accomplishments! He won’t be here to celebrate victories, holidays or birthdays.  He won’t be here to dry tears or hold my hand or help during the hard times.  He won’t  see kids graduations, new jobs, weddings or grandbabies. None of it and it is a hard pill to swallow. You should be here. 


 I think holiday’s, big events or accomplishments bring up these words for me the most. Holidays bring up traditions and things you came to love doing.  Events and accomplishments, especially for the kids, I would have eagerly shared with him.  I had someone once say, “Well share them with me then”.  While I completely appreciate that gesture, it’s just not the same. My husband was a very involved father for most of their lives and we enjoyed every milestone and accomplishment together.  It’s part of what we did. 


As we head into fall with holidays again approaching and his birthday.  I find the thought come up again, “You should be here”.  It sucks that my husband is not only not here but he made the choice for us all that he wouldn’t.  He wouldn’t get help. That hurts. Oh how grief is a bitch.  


 I’m going to try and change the thoughts this time around. When that thought comes up I will tell myself, “He isn’t here. But I am and I will do my best to make the holidays good for my kids and myself”.  My kids, who were innocent victims in all this too, deserve for me to be present. Heck I deserve for me to be present for myself too! 


So maybe, with some hard work and effort, I can change the difficult thought.  Maybe this year I can make it more positive.  Then maybe it will become the new habit to think, “You are not here, but I am, and I will celebrate this “occasion” for my kids or even for myself!”. 


I am here. It is hard that life isn’t what or where I thought it would be. But as I have learned, God gives me the strength to do hard things.  I am capable of doing the hard things.  It’s not easy but definitely worth it.