Last week I can home and felt like I was ready to move forward. Now I have no idea how to do that. Matt and I found each other by chance. We met at work and became friends and then at some point feelings changed and we started dating. I did not date before him so let’s hope God and Matt put the person, I am supposed to meet in front of me. But moving forward is more than the willingness to date again.
There are so many memories and traumas that I need to let go of to move forward. This week I took a different position within my company. Even though I should be stressed out I remained optimistic and happy. There is the growth that I have been looking for over the last nine and half months.
My anxiety is under control. I did not freak out and miss Matt turning into a crying fest. But how is that possible Maine was not the healing touch I needed all the way. Change in position came with a change of building and office. I am no longer in the building I was in when I got that call that day. I did not relive that call while walking down the hall this week. Widow Win happened there.
When Matt and I got into the fight days before he died, he suggested I would be happier with a guy I was friends with than him. What Matt did not know is a month after he died, that friend and I stopped talking. We still communicate through work and lately, it has been more confusing on where we stan. But when I was away, I thought I need to give up on him coming back into my life I need to move forward, I need to be someone’s first choice.
I told him that this week that moving forward also means moving on from him. I think I have only been holding on to that idea because Matt said it, knowing that it was never going to happen. Now I think Matt would want me to be happy and that includes trying to find love again. Maybe it will happen, maybe I will find a guy that understands that I will always love Matt but can also love him.
But letting go to move forward means I must work through some other things. Like the first time, Matt almost died. A memory popped up on my Facebook this week of Tiernan and Jackson showing a sheep. If you looked at that picture you would never know Matt was in the ICU that day. His blood sugar was over 1288 and he had pneumonia. If we had gotten back to the hotel thirty minutes later than we did he probably would have died.
I need to let that go, something Weeks before Matt died, I had a dream that he died, and the police were telling me at work. For six years I lived with that fear never thinking that it would come true so fast. I should have done it years ago. Moving forward means fearing that if I find a new love he could die also. If I do not let those fears that Matt created in me go, I will put them on the new person.
Like many other widows, I fear losing more people knowing it will happen sooner rather than later. I am the caretaker for my grandma on hospice. Yesterday she was not acting right, and my crazy ass started to freak out a bit. What do I do when she dies? I survive like the badass woman I am. I will let go and move forward. Because for me there is life after death.
Letting go to move forward is my new mantra. Letting go of the bad. Embracing the future. Finding happiness and love. Making Matt proud of the women he loved.