I have been a wreck all week. It is Thursday and I spent most of the day crying on and off. He was on my mind most of the day. I just missed him and really wanted him. My friend texted me asking a question and I had to admit that I am struggling. Later in the day, I realized I was flirting with depression.
September was going to be hard I knew that. It was the last month he was alive. In three weeks, he will be gone for a whole year. Three hundred and sixty-five days. And I am breaking because the only thing I want is him. I am flirting with my old friend depression.
Sunday is my birthday, and I was not going to celebrate. I knew it was going to be one of the bad days. But I decided a few weeks ago when I was doing good that I was going to celebrate. My friends and I are going to a wine festival on Saturday. Instead of being happy, I am not sure if I am going to be able to hold it together. In fact, I am terrified that I am going to just fall apart. Flirting with depression will do that.
Yesterday one of my rams died. Matt and I raised him together as a lamb he lived in our house. He was six years old. God, it felt like someone took my heart and just squeezed. Like someone was saying death is still around you. And maybe that was the trigger to this wave of grief that I am not getting out of. But the first step of a problem is to say something is wrong and I today I took the first step and said I am depressed.
I know that the other trigger is that the only thing I want is for him to be here with me. That is not a birthday present anyone can get me. It is not possible to get your dead person back. And as much as it hurts life is going on. But I don’t want it to. I want to go back to the past and just stay there with him. I am flirting with depression, and I recognized I need help.
Tonight, I took a positive step and resigned up for therapy. The next few weeks are not going to get easier in fact they will get harder. I am recognizing the signs that something is wrong. I talked to my best friend. And this afternoon I said I think I need therapy she responded it can’t hurt to try.
What can hurt is flirting with depression. Faking to everyone that you are okay. Pretending that the fact that it has almost been a year and you miss him terribly does not cross your mind. Knowing that the night that your friend does not call right before you go to bed is going to be a night your curl up and cry because you are alone. He is not there to hold you anymore.
Depression lies and can’t be trusted I know that. I have come so far in this journey. But late at night, I listen to those lies. I believe them. Matt is gone and you will forever be alone. If you let people in they will die. You will be forever on your own. Those lies seem so true as I lie in my bed that use to be our bed alone.
I rearranged my furniture because that was a solution to the sadness I felt in my room. And it did help it made it so when I wake in the morning, I am not looking for him and that was the goal. I reclaimed my space, but I continue to spiral out of control. I resigned up for therapy because I can’t flirt with depression, I want to flirt with happiness.
Today I am doing better but not much better. I have moments where I can feel my grief. In the silence, it is staying in the corner whispering come here. The key is not to go to it.
Matt’s ghost is always with me and sometimes that ghost whispers come to me and I follow it down the rabbit hole. I just want my love back so what does that mean for me. It means in the quiet of the day I want to talk to him. In the quiet of the day, I replay memories in my head because I was happier then. I flirt with the depression part of grief because that is where the rabbit hole leads.
Today I am going with my friends to a food and wine festival. I am trying to not slip into the sadness. Matt was always our DD to this event. I woke up the morning grabbed my weighted blanket and went back to sleep thinking about how I wish he was here to snuggle with me. The only thing I want for my birthday is to have Matt back. The only saving grace about tomorrow is my friend and I are dropping one of my animals off at another farm. It gives me a chance to avoid the day.
I am taking off my mask of happiness and putting it away. Depression is a real part of grief, and it is not one that should be hidden. Recognizing the signs and seeking help if needed is not a bad thing and I recognize that I can’t do this alone. In the past, before Matt died, I would get sad for a day or two and then be fine. Now it is different the sadness lingers, my motivation is nonexistent, drawing and all the other stuff I do to stay busy is not providing the distraction or comfort I need. I have been flirting with depression for a month. Today I can say I am depressed, and I am seeking help.
Life is moving forward, and I need to figure out how to do that too. Matt will forever be missing from my life. My heart will search for him in his chair on the porch or in a crowd. Today I am going to go have fun with my friends. I might think of Matt and cry. The thing is my support team is who I will be drinking with, and they will have my back they will let me feel my emotions and tell me it is okay.
Matt is with me today and every day in my heart and soul. He is celebrating my birthday from afar wishing I was smiling instead of crying. If he was here, I know he would be giving me a hug and kissing the top of my head. He would want to take away my pain and just make everything better. I know he is watching over me and in my darkest hour, I know he is there hoping I pull out of this funk and get out of my own head. I know he would be happy that I stopped flirting with depression and am seeking help something I would have refused to do a year ago.
Today is my birthday and I am miserable, and I just got up. He should be here with me and that is something I will forever want. This year is not a happy birthday it is one that I just don’t want to do. I had a good time with my friends yesterday. And for the most part, I was fine. I still had moments I could have just burst into tears, but I didn’t. Instead, I am crying this morning. A piece of me is missing and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Flirting with depression is not something I like. I am not a danger to myself; I want to live. In fact, I have been fighting depression and the want to live since he died. And though at times I hurt and want him back I know I must wait until God decides to bring us back together. For now, will seek help. I will remember Matt and know that I am not alone in this fight. Depression happens but it is temporary.