Planning a Future
I guess that saying “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans” was true for me. When I got married, I was twenty-five and I was not ready to have a child I was not where I wanted to be career-wise. The plan was to start our family when I turned thirty. We planned on getting land and eventually putting a house on it establishing our farm.
As the time we planned to start our family approached we were hit with the realization that we were not going to be able to have a biological child. I wanted to be a mom it didn’t have to be my child. We decided that we would foster/adopt. Matt wanted to wait until we had our own place, so we waited. When the farm was offered to us to buy it became a new dream. Our potential home is the one that someday we would live in and have the chance to have the life we wanted.
Then my world flipped upside down and my dreams seemed impossible to reach. The sellers of the farm told me they would hold it for me. My dreams were still in reach. I spent so much time depressed I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life anymore. But I needed a place for my animals and me to move to when my grandma passes. Over time I realized our dream was still mine.
This week I am going to close on the farm. Last night I did an orientation to become a foster parent with the agency my sister used. I could have my own child and do it on my own but for me to feel complete as a person I just need to be a mom. There is still so much love in me that I would like to give to a child that needs it.
The farm is my dream, and I can picture how it will be in my head. The sad part is when I move there it will be because another piece of me is missing. But it will be my fresh start a place that will not hold memory mines to dodge. Taking the first step to becoming a foster parent was the first step in my new life.
I would like to say I am excited about this week but instead of excited, I am sad. If I close my eyes I can feel him with me, watching over me rooting for me knowing he is happy to see me living our dreams. I am holding on to that picture in my mind as I navigate this week alone.
I Bought a Farm
I bought a farm on a Friday afternoon. It was a bittersweet moment as I would have wanted him to be there. One of the lawyers made a crack about massive heart attacks being the way to go and I did not yell no it is not. I was proud of myself at the moment that I did not end up in tears. Struggling to be present in the moment and happy is something hard to do when someone lands a zinger like that.
I bought a farm, and my heart broke a bit. Two years ago, we put sheep on the farm for the first time and at the end of that first season the owners brought up the potential for us to buy it. It became our dream. If you told me then I would be doing it alone I would have never believed it. But I sat at a closing table alone today. Signing all the paperwork to make the farm mine.
He should have been there is all I could think. As I got in my car, I whispered to him we did it. Tonight, I went to the farm to feed with my dad and looked at it in a different way. I walked through the house and felt excited for the future and that old pang of sadness that follows. I don’t like the future without him in it.
I learned in 2020 that life is not fair and although he is not with me in person, he is with me in spirit. As I was locking up the house a bird yelled at me from the porch and then flew off. I have seen a similar bird in the past when I needed him with me. Maybe it was a sign that he was there and happy with the events of the day. Or I am just a crazy lady that looks for signs that her love is with her.
I bought a farm without my partner. It is my fresh start. My new beginning when the time is right. I am now thinking about how to decorate and furnish the house. Paint colors I might want so I can do all of that before I move in. I am planning the next chapter of my life the one that comes after my love story.
I bought a farm and then freaked out the next day. I have massive anxiety on a normal day but since Matt’s death, it rears its ugly head at the worst time. The farm is a great plan. And I know deep down it is what Matt would have wanted for me I just need to remember that.
The aftermath of buying the farm is my grief is not sure what to do. It wants to be present, and it was. My dad and I ended up talking about it as we fed today. I think he realized that I needed to have that rare moment where we talk about feelings.
The lady I bought the farm from told my dad with everything I have been through in the last year it is good to see me have happy moments again. That hit me when my dad said it without fully noticing I am having more happy days where I smile. After all, I did not cry yesterday until I was in my bed. I am taking that as a victory of sorts. Feeling grief is okay but letting it take over is not something I am going to allow.
I bought a farm the first step in my next chapter. Months ago, I would have said it was my moving-on chapter but now I know that it is not. This chapter is my remaking. I need to learn to live on my own and honor his memory without sacrificing the happiness he would have wanted me to find. My dreams, our dreams are coming true maybe not in the way that we thought they would but I still get to live them and Matt is with me every step of the way.