Why is the question that I ask a lot.
But I know the answer to that why.
He was a juvenile diabetic who didn’t always take care of himself. When he had chest pain he ignored it. Answering one why just creates more why’s.
Why wouldn’t he go to the doctor?
Why did we have to have that fight?
Why did we not get more time?
Why did he have to die alone?
These why’s pop up when I am tired. Or I am having a difficult time with my grandma. Like last night. Where this woman does not want to live anymore and has been on hospice for a year and a half. She has lived ninety-two years and had a full life but she hangs on.
Why him and not her?
Why do people die young with so much life ahead of them?
Why do some people get their happy ever after and some just get a string of bad luck?
Why can’t life be fair?
Even with all the why’s that pop up in this sleep-deprived brain I know that there is an answer to all my whys but at the moment, they are not coming to me. I know that there is no reason that one person dies and another lives. Things happened and now it is my job to move on from them.
I was up a good portion of last night with my grandma and today she slept most of the day. Fingers crossed I luck out and she sleeps through the night. I know that is probably not going to be the case.
My exhausted brain has a hard time coping with my grief and if this week does not turn around fast, I am going to be taking a deep dive off the grief cliff. I still must figure out how to function at work. Not snap at people.
I used to think if I could figure out why then I could be better then my grief would be less. I know now that why does not matter in grief. How much I loved my husband matters and the fact that he is not here with me.
**Have you heard about Hope for Widows Foundation’s annual Restoring Hope & Peace Grant program? It was established by the organization in 2019 to help widowed women offset financial challenges as they navigate their healing journey. You can find out details, timeline and the history of this grant here: https://hopeforwidows.org/grant/ All widows based in U.S. and Canada are encouraged to apply. Applications open on National Widows Day, May 3, 2022. For additional questions feel free to email firstname.lastname@example.org **