There are days that I would do anything just to hear his voice again. Tonight I watched a video that Tiernan’s mom posted and at first the sound was off but then I read what she wrote and turned the sound on. And closing my eyes I just listened to his voice.
As I drove back to my grandma’s house tonight I was thinking about if I had one more day. I quickly realized that would not be enough for me. Giving him up again would not be something I could do again. Listening to videos just to hear his voice would not be enough.
It is not enough now.
I am trying to move forward in my new house but there will always be a part of me that will want my love to be here with me. That will want to hear his voice to cuddle with him on the couch.
The house is a new start it has been nice being in a different space one that doesn’t hold memories all over.
There is still stuff at the house that I need to move, but first I have to unpack everything I have brought. To find a home for all the things that I have cherished from my former life. But as I unpack I feel a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time.
As much as my heart and soul long to have him back for a day or forever. To walk in my front door and find him sitting on the couch after a long day at work. I would pour a glass of wine and curl up next to him. Tell him about my day and he would tell me everything is going to work out.
But life is not a dream and I come home to a dog and cat. An empty house. My life is not what I thought it would be but I am holding on to hope.
I hold on to my memories of him. Watch videos of him just to remember that I had that love. That I knew love. That the pain and anguish that I have felt is because our love was real.
I am working on being okay. To not wake up somedays and long for him. Life is ever-changing that is what the last two years of my life have taught me. I will forever be a bit broken but I can put the pieces back together with some small wholes that will never be able to be filled.
Tonight I listened to his voice and missed him a ton. I wish I could tell him I love you as I lay down to go to sleep. Hear him say love you too. He would wait until I fell asleep and then sneak out to play video games.