Today my mom wanted to go to the Big E. I really didn’t want to go but I went. There are a lot of memories there from when we first started dating. Tonight, my grip on my grief started to unwind and I started to get a bit snappy.
Waking up from my nap right as we entered Hartford. The memories of him having to go there while we were away. Thinking it was nice they offered me a room that they have for out-of-town people. Then the negative thoughts came. The negative thoughts bring on snappy grief.
Him not wanting me to tell his family that he was in the hospital. The ambulance driver being an a-hole. Them saying how high his blood sugar was. Fighting for him saying something else was wrong. The fear that he was going to die. Today I did not stay in the moment I visited the past.
Tonight, at dinner my dad said something, and I just snapped.
It is a compound of the week. My laptop was not working correctly yesterday and I was frustrated not knowing what to do and not having Matt to ask. Freaking out because this is the laptop that he designed for me. I was able to fix it myself but the missing him came.
My grief took over. Next Sunday is two years. I can’t wrap my mind around it. But I don’t want to turn back to the angry and snappy person I become.
I have been fearing sliding backward. Last year I was falling apart this week. I don’t want to do that again.
This week is going to be a test of everything I have in my tool belt. I am going to need to dive into my self-care to keep afloat. It is going to be a long week at work, and I am going to have to stay in check myself. My normal person to vent to when I feel like I might be snappy is on vacation.
Not having a plan on what to do when I spiral is causing anxiety to be triggered. So tonight, after I post this I am going to finish the dot mandala that I started last night. This week I am going to make some cookies. Take walks after work. Prepare for the weekend away with his family.
Keep busy to stay so I don’t have time to think about all the things that led up to his death. Because if I start down that path, I won’t just be snappy. I will spiral into being depressed again. To much progress has happened in the last six months for me to do that.
And if I fall apart, it will be okay because grief is always going to be there. Love is still there.