I am glad that my stepson is still part of my life every time I have him for the day it makes my soul happy. This is the first weekend that he has spent at the new house. In the days leading up to him coming over, I had worried about it what if he did not like the new house? But once he was here everything was fine, and I got to have some great conversations with him.
We have had conversations about our shared grief over the last two years mostly in the car as we are driving someplace. Last year we talked about how he was doing so well with everything. While I seemed stuck in my grief he was not. He said it was different for him as he had people that could fill some of the void created by his dad’s passing, I didn’t have that.
This weekend I was talking about how there is no good way to tell someone I am a widow. He admitted that he has not told many people. Part of the reason is the same as mine he does not want the pity or sorry that comes with it.
This week I had one of those conversations at work and there is just no good way to say it the person had just met me and moments before asked if I had a husband or anyone in my life. I have in the past kept my situation to myself for as long as possible. All while talking about Matt and my in-laws making it sound like he is very much alive for them to find out months after meeting me that Matt died. Recently I have gotten better at sharing and then telling the person that it is okay it has been two years and I am okay now.
Sure okay is a loaded thing to say I have not been able to play video games still. Tiernan and I have had this conversation a few times. He has one of the games Matt and I used to play but I can’t make myself play it. It kills me a bit inside that I can’t put that part of my grief to the side for him.
Randomly he asked if Matt was buried or cremated and without thinking about it, I said cremated because he never wanted to be buried. I told him that Matt’s mom had them and at one point this summer mentioned buying a plot and burying them and that she told me she talked to him about that. I said my peace on it to her but since she had the ashes it was out of my hands.
We have talked about how I knew what Matt wanted before but today I told him that with Covid and the risk to him with diabetes and smoking we had conversations around our wishes. Tiernan then told me he thought something bad might happen to Matt back then. I admitted I always thought that it would be in his fifties that we would have more time.
I broached the conversation about how eventually I might move on. That I am still young and how I don’t know if I will be alone forever, but my biggest fear is losing Matt’s family in the process. He made sure to tell me that I would not lose him that he would understand. That was something that I didn’t think I needed but I did.
Grief is not something that we are taught how to have conversations about, but I never regret having any of these conversations with him. The only thing that I want to do is figure out how to spend more time with him. I always feel like Matt is watching us and is happy that we are still in each other’s lives.
Looking for a way you can make a difference and give back this holiday season? Embrace the spirit of giving by participating in Hope for Widows Foundation’s third annual ‘Bring Hope’ virtual program that directly assists a widow’s family who cannot provide gifts for their children or other necessities during this holiday season. Some widows who are struggling to make ends meet during this time simply do not have the luxury of purchasing gifts when their finances require them to choose between keeping the lights on and food on the table or purchasing presents. Add in the factors of solo parenting, grief, and the emotional and physical toll it takes. If you would like more details on how you can support a widow and her family, please EMAIL US directly for questions at firstname.lastname@example.org or to sponsor, go here for details and to fill out the application: https://linktr.ee/hopeforwidows