What is closure? Is it accepting that your loved one is gone. Processing unsaid words and feelings.
When Matt died it was three days after a fight in which we decided to separate. There was no time to prepare for his passing. It was just a shock. I went to the hospital that night to hope that I would get closure.
But that did not happen. No sense of this is over happened. I thought then maybe at the funeral I would feel closure. But instead I was left more confused and broken. My world was broken and I had no way of putting the pieces together.
Closure it is something I needed. There was days that I just replayed the fight over and over again in my head. Hoping to find it in those painful memories.
For over a year I was searching for someway to find the sense of peace with Matt’s death. I remember saying something to his mom about it around his birthday last year when talking about what she wanted to do with his ashes. We always talked about doing a tree urn but in my hurt I didn’t do that instead gave them to his mom. I felt like I did not get closure because I didn’t do that.
In time I realized I was not going to get the closure I seeked. So instead I talked to Matt. Told him I was sorry for the things I said that day that I regreated. That I still loved him. All the things I need to say.