The 8 Worst Comments During My Grief & What I Wish They Said
As we all make our way along this journey through grief, I’m sure you, like me have found that not all people intending to help you with their words or actions are actually helpful. The majority of the time people are very well intended. Their hearts are in the right places, but when around a grieving person they seem to become anxious, sad, and scared. Many are inexperienced with knowing how to talk to someone who has lost a loved one, especially someone who has lost their husband or children who have lost their father.
I know I certainly have had my moments when I’ve tried to bring comfort to a person in their distress and I end up putting my foot in my mouth. It happens to all of us. That is why it is so important to extend compassion and forgiveness to those who try, but fail (sometimes epicly fail) to help us. Here are a few of the top blunders I’ve experienced so far…….
1) “I’m going to come with Susie and take you to Sam’s Club to buy some food.”
While this was a kind gesture, I sure would have appreciated being asked. How about saying “Would it help you if I took you to Sam’s Club sometime and helped you get food?” “I am free Tuesday when Susie watches your kids, could that work?”
The Take Away: Assuming you can create my schedule or come over uninvited isn’t very helpful.
2) “He’s right here in your boys.”
I understand that my husband and I are the biological parents of our boys and my husband had a big influence on them, the few years he was able, but….. he isn’t here. Nothing about my relationship with my children can match, replace, or fix the fact that my husband isn’t here. How about saying “I know there is no way I can understand the pain of not having your husband here anymore.” Or “Sometimes the boys remind me of some of the wonderful things about their Daddy.”
The Take Away: I know people try to think of the right special phrases to help “fix” the situation. Sadly somethings are unfixable and once in a while the best thing is silence.
3) “Life goes on, go clean your room.”
This comment was a major ouch. It also was sent via text just two weeks after he died and was referring specifically to the room I shared with my husband which this person knew I was having a hard time even setting foot in at that point. It was from a loved one that I never would have expected would have said something so insensitive. People who have never lost their spouses have no way of knowing just how painful it is and just how much these types of comments hurt. It seems people are more comfortable typing via text what they wouldn’t dare look a person in the eye and say.
Perhaps saying
“Eventually you’ll be ready to take steps forward and clean your room.” Could have softened the blow a bit.
The Take Away: Before you send someone a text….. get a second opinion as to how you are coming across, or better yet, don’t text anything that you don’t feel right about looking at someone in the eyes and saying in person.
4) “You aren’t trying”
Not much can fix this one. It should never be said to a grieving person, let alone saying it to me just a few weeks after my life had shattered. It isn’t true of course, I know just how hard I was trying every moment in the face of tragedy and trauma and I know just how much I was bravely carrying on my plate. Sometimes people can be downright cruel. Who were they to judge the motives, efforts and intentions of my heart?
The Take Away: Never say this!
5) “I didn’t want to mention your husband because I didn’t want to make you think of him and feel sad.”
I see why people think this, but the thing is, I am ALWAYS thinking about my husband and I always carry some measure of sadness. Talking about him and sharing a memory brings comfort, and honors the life he lived. It validates just how special of a person he was and just how big my loss was. Please mention him, and if you wonder if that is ok with me, just ask.
Wish they said….
“I was thinking of a memory I had of your husband, do you feel up for talking about it?”
The Take Away: Talking fondly about the person who has died can be one of the nicest gifts to a widow.
6) “Divorce is like a death, I had to learn to snow blow my drive way”
A lady I had just met at a small group study was trying to be helpful in a very public way during our group discussion. Ending a marriage because of divorce is a very very different way and experience than ending a marriage due to death. One involves choice/ control, and the other does not. In one case the former spouse lives on. In the other case, he can never be seen or spoken to again. In one case, the children may still have an involved father they can have at least some relationship with. When your Dad dies, you have zero relationship with him. Divorce while very painful, devastating and filled with great sorrow is NOT the same experience as death/widowhood.
Maybe it would have been better to say “Taking care of a house by yourself is a hard adjustment.” “I remember needing to learn so many things.”
The Take Away: The pain of divorce is so hard and so real. So is the pain of the death of a spouse. But they are different experiences.
7) “Anyone who has lost a loved one would understand what you are going through”
It isn’t true. Every type of loss is unique. Every person who has lost is unique. Every relationship is unique. The person who said this thought that because her parents had died, she knew what my loss felt like. Reality is, the only person who would have had a real understanding of the depth of what I lost is the very person that I lost, but he will never be able to comfort me through this pain.
What if she said “I remember how hard it was when my parents died.”
The Take Away: Never say your loss is like someone else’s because it never will be.
8) I said: “How was your week?” She said: “Well, no one died.”
After someone very important to you dies, you suddenly seem to notice how frequently, flippantly, jokingly… we use death in our everyday conversation. It really never bothered me before. In this case, it did, because in my life, the most important person on the planet died. She apparently had no idea I was a widow but I truly thought someone had told her. Either way, I’m sure she was embarrassed after learning my story.
Why not just say “Well, nothing major happened.” Or “It was an OK week.”
The Take Away: Be really careful of how you use “death” in your everyday conversation because you never know the personal story of who you are speaking with.
So what are the worst things that have been said to you?
And
What do you wish they said instead?
In Hope & Prayers,
This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it more likely to be due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
Many insensitive things have been said since my husband died suddenly; here are the highlights:
1. Coming from one of his good friends- “why don’t you get up and do something, he was my friend too, I miss him, but you can’t just keep lying on the couch.”
Wished he said-“When you feel like getting out one day, let me know” or “Call me if you want to go get coffee one day.”
Takeaway- the loss of a friend is in no way, nor can ever be, similar to the loss of a husband, and a friend’s grief does no outweigh that of a wife’s, and why are you comparing it anyway?
2. From a female friend- “put that bed out right away, get rid of the mattress”! (my husband died suddenly in our bed)
Wished she said- “Let me know when you need help sorting things out in the house, I’ll be here for you.”
Takeaway- YOU don’t get to decide what I keep or what I don’t keep of mine and my husband’s belongings.
3. From another female friend who is trapped in an abusive marriage- After another abuse incident between her and her husband: “You are lucky you don’t have to put up with this shit.”
Wished she said-“It’s not fair that you were so happy in your marriage and your husband died so suddenly, and mine is
alive and he’s so abusive”
Takeaway- Not the best time to start comparing your marriage, good or bad, with a widow who misses her husband very much.
Thanks so much for sharing with us your experiences with these awful words we wish people wouldn’t say. So sorry for your sudden loss. I hope people are more careful and sensitive with their word choices in your life from now on :0).
Everything Happens For A Reason or God Has A Plan.
While both of these may be true, don’t say them to a woman who’s lost a husband.
My Jay was on a moped and hit by the driver of a commercial vehicle who broke many laws. I found his body in the street getting CPR.
1. 4½ years later I’m still looking for the reason that my husband didn’t get to celebrate our 50th birthdays. What’s the reason that I had to become so broken that I could barely be there for my children? Why do I have to re-create my future? Why did I pick up a shift at work? He would’ve been in the car instead if I didn’t.
2. This person did not know my religion and had just met me. it was in the first week of my grief. it made me so angry and I wanted to punch her. I walked away.
I am so thankful that you took the time to bravely tell us about this very painful experience. I’m sorry that someone said that to you at a time and in a way that was so hurtful.
Also, a woman age 55 who was married and divorced 3xs and had 5 children and has no relationship with any of them or her 14 grandchildren because of her over dramatic selfishness and lies she was a childhood friend since age 8 I tried to help her with a place to stay her 3rd ex husband passed away Feb 16 2023 only 7 days after I brought her here 18 hours from where she was. She got the text while we were at food store she breaks down hysterical. she had not spoken to him in 10 years divorcd 13 years. Also talked very bad about him being a mama’s boy (idk Why that’s a bad thing) and verbally abusive and that he gets angry drunk breaks furniture and that he is a POS. BUT after she got the call she is screaming in Walmart and yells at me “OMG SIS I’m just like you now and it’s almost exactly a year” I said what do u mean like me and it’s a year and 4 days since I lost Anthony she says I’m a widow I said No you are not. your are divorced. her words were I know I know I am a “DIVORCED WIDOW” I adamantly told here there is no such thing and I never have seen it on a government form and more importantly those of us that ARE WIDOWS do not celebrate the “W” word. it’s the worst word in the English or any language. I rhad to tell her to stop saying it because she kept saying but I am a …. I finally just told her to shut the (expletive) up or she could sleep anywhere else and to stop acting like it’s the highest honor in the land I was SOOOOOO SOOOO upset I had 3 people approach Me and ask if I was okay Idk if I was more mad, Insulted or just plain flabbergasted. I left the store and refused to talk to her for 2 days. I asked her to move after only 3 Mos after she lied to me twice and stole from me. but something like that idk what I would of rather happened but I felt very disrespected and rather frazzled and Insulted
thanks again
Robyne
I totally understand why you were so so upset. That sounds like such an exhausting and stressful situation to say the least. I am glad you felt comfortable sharing that here.
“He’s in a better place” I know the intention is meant well but there wasn’t anything wrong with the “place” he already was with me hid wife and together since I was 13 and he was 17. together 39 years.married 30 years with a big family of 6 children, their spouses and 11 amazing precious grandchildren. what is a better place without ALL of us.He LOVED life. we had a true and real unconditional love of a lifetime and always said he didn’t want to die alone (he as a Philly police Sgt for 22 years so it was a real fear). Instead how about something like I’m sure he would rather still be here but he’s no longer in pain or something like that IDK But knowing what I know now about how this gut wrenching knee dropping feeling like being stabbed 100,000,000 xs PAIN in the chest feels I think I would just give them a hug and tell them I’m sorry for their loss. that’s ALL it’s enough!
thank you for validating how all the things people say with good intentions really just sink us deeper down the extremely dark rabbit hole of broken hearts and emptiness in our own lives is made worse. It helps to know its not us losing our minds along with the most important person we had in our lives
Hugs and Thank you,
Robyne Sautner
wife of Anthony Sautner Angel Date 2/12/22
aww you are so welcome and thank you for taking the time to say such encouraging words about that blog. Your husband sounds like her was a truly remarkable and brave human being. A courageous and loving man. I have struggled with the “he’s in a better place.” comment as well. It is hard for me to wrap my head around that. I usually feel like “how could it be better if I am not with him and his kids aren’t with him?” Thanks again for sharing so faithfully here.
thank u so much! I had to tell an old neighbor to STOP talking about her and her imaginary conversations with my husband.
Thanks for sharing that example!