The other night I was watching 911 Lonestar we are catching up on old seasons when they showed one of the characters losing her husband unexpectedly. She calls 911 tells them what happened ask them not to turn on the sirens because she doesn’t want to wake her kids. The next morning she doesn’t tell them and sends them to school.
She tells no one what is going on that is close to her. Searching for answers she goes to the hospital to inquire about the autopsy runs into a coworker and doesn’t say anything. It was hard to watch. But I could feel the emotions and almost want to thank the writers.
My boyfriend went to the hospital on Wednesday and normally that would put me into a trauma response. But instead I was able to stay in the moment. Not go down the path of that night.
Not remembering being told. Then the text and calls of the days that followed. I wish I could have been like the character on TV that just kept it to myself for twenty four hours.
It would have been nice to just sit with the news alone. But loss doesn’t work that way we have to feel it. We have to tell people. Talking about helps to heal us.
It has been almost three years and there are days that still hit hard but for the most part I am better. I am lucky to have a person in my life that understands my grief and supports my bad days. And when I talk about Matt he understands it.
Shutting down is the easier some days and I did that for awhile. But learning to share the burden of grief was a lesson I needed to learn.