Grief You Are a Thief
The life of a solo parent is a very challenging one, but perhaps the worst is the realization of all that grief has stolen from you. I wouldn’t have chosen to be a solo-Mama in a million years. I can’t help but wonder what kind of mother I would have been at this stage in my children’s lives if I hadn’t lost my sweetheart and if I weren’t grieving so intensely while parenting. What kind of Mama would I be for my sons if I had the amazing unconditional love and support and partnership of their sweet Daddy, working together as a team, sharing equal responsibility for their growth and development.
I would be a happy Mama. A more secure Mama. A more peaceful Mama.
If death & grief hadn’t come into my life and stolen my happiness, my identity, my emotions, my thoughts, my everything, then my precious babies would have the kind of mother I had always dreamed of being. The kind I had the great privilege of being until my oldest turned five years old.
Grief, you are a cruel thief.
You steal days, weeks, months, and years that should have been things of beauty
and you suffocate them with your darkness.
You extinguish the flames of hope within the human heart.
You are the eraser of twinkles in the eye and the destroyer of dreams.
You fill all the places where love lives and engulf that love with painful thorns.
Grief you are an unwelcome thief who refuses to leave. You have tainted what should have been the most precious years in my life. Young and in love and delighting in being a Mama.
When will you return to me what you have stolen? Perhaps you never will.
After all death was the first thief that brought you here, and it is permanent for the remaining span of time I have been placed upon the earth. Some days it feels so unbearable. Many days it feels so miserable.
There are moments in this solo parenting gig that really knock the wind out of my sails. Like the bedtime routine with my precious sweet boys which can on occasion really test my patience. I’m physically exhausted & emotionally drained from serving the role of two parents while deeply grieving. I was ready to punch the Mommy time clock so that I could just have a few moments of “off duty me time,” long enough to relax and de stress before I wake up and do it all over again. I adore children, especially my own two sweet gifts from God, but let’s face it, sometimes at bedtime children are like herding wild animals. The routines drag on, and patience is tested. In my moments of frustration when I have reached my limits and need to tag out so that I don’t become crabby with my sweet boys…..there is no one to tag out with me.
So stressed or not, I continue. I have to press on.
As with all amazing solo-mamas… you may be feeling tired but it doesn’t matter. No rest for the weary. Feeling sick?–Sorry sister, you are puking alone and even parenting while recuperating.
It amazes me just how many things death and grief take away from us. Yet we press on. Sometimes being a widow feels like walking around wounded except most of the gruesome wounds are internal and not as visible to the average observer. Grief is a thief and I would give everything just to return to the life that I loved before grief stole so much from me.
How has grief been a thief on your journey?
Any solo-mamas out there relate to having their patience tested with no back-up or tag teaming from our husbands?
In Hope & Prayers,
From This Widow Mama
About Dorothy Swanson
Dorothy lost her beloved husband Oct 2021 to a very unexpected bacterial pneumonia that quickly became septic shock. Her other half and best friend was born with a serious congenital heart defect. Because of that, she had always feared the possibility of being a widow, but she thought it would be more likely due to his heart, and more likely when her husband was in his 50s after the children were grown. Instead, he graduated to heaven just one week before turning 34. Dorothy was 36 with young sons ages 5 and 16 months who adored their Daddy. In less than 48 hours, the life Dorothy and her beloved husband so carefully built together shattered. They were blessed to share just over 8 wonderful, joyous and fun years of marriage. While her heart is so thankful to God for having had their journey together, she has struggled since his death with feeling hurt and let down by God. She has felt so devastated that their love story was short and ended so abruptly. Join her as she shares her unfolding journey of grasping to faith in Christ as she journeys through love, loss, single parenthood, honoring her husband's legacy and guiding her sons through their grief and life without Daddy.
Grief truly is a thief. Lost my husband June 2020 due to Covid and I am still battling with the pain till today, I still cry myself to sleep and wake up with puffy eyes in the morning and go to work so I can provide for kids that he left me solo with. I was 33 when he past and he had just turned 40 three weeks before. Together for 11 years with a 10 year old daughter and a 17 year old step daughter. A business with over 100 employees to run when I can’t even control my grief. It’s been really hard and all I can do is hope one day it will all make sense and I will make peace with the situation though I doubt I will know the person I will be at that time as the pain keeps changing me daily.
I wish you comfort and happiness and that one day it all becomes easier to accept
So very sorry for your loss and all the many responsibilities you are carrying. Being a solo Mama and the sole provider for your family is exhausting for sure. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job facing this loss with such courage and determination despite the deep sorrow you carry. Thank you for taking the time to share encouraging words with me in your comments. So glad we all aren’t alone in this journey through grief.
Absolutely can relate to your words, thank you. My husband passed away unexpectedly and my son, daughter, and me are realizing just how many things death and grief takes away. It is a thief like you describe. We want to be hopeful trying to rebuild what we can, but it’s definitely a thief because we never get him back. Thank you for sharing this insight.
I appreciate you sharing your story. I hope you and your children are able to rebuild in the ways you desire and experience healing in your hearts. Such a difficult experience for you and your children to endure and understand. Always a pleasure to see your comments.
Dorothy, you are in my prayers. Though I don’t have young children, I am a full time caregiver and I am also “still” grieving my husband. I hope for daily strength. God bless you.
What a wonderful message to receive. Thanks so much for the prayers and kind words. I will pray for you in your grief and caregiving role as well.
I lost my husband December 26,2021 to COVID so we are almost on the same time frame. I am older than you ( I was 53 and my husband 54 when he died) and my children are older than yours ( I have 8 – they ranged in ages of 29-13 when he died ) and I was married longer than you were (31 years) but I have to say that ALL of your posts are so heartfelt and inspiring to me. You truly have a gift in writing that speaks to the heart of so many issues and feelings. I so look forward to reading your posts! I hope you continue to share as it has really helped me and I am sure so many others.
Keep taking one day at a time and I want you to know that you are doing a great job even though it may not feel like it. I haven’t met you or your sons but I know you are a wonderful mother and God is going to bless those boys and take care of them (and you!) despite your precious husband not being here physically to share your lives.
I don’t know why our husbands had to be taken from us and our children their good father. It doesn’t make sense that this has happened and it never will. I just keep trusting in God and taking one day at a time. I believe that our husbands are also interceding for us and still caring for us, just not physically.
I’m praying for you and wanted to give you some praise and support! Keep inspiring with your gift of writing. You are a blessing and stronger than you may feel.
God Bless you!
Your words have made my dad. How sweet and precious of you to take the time to encourage me and to remember me in your prayers. How wonderful that you have been blessed with 8 children. What a job that must be to carry on parenting them without their Daddy. You are a very special lady to rise to that calling and responsibility for them. I love all of your words and will keep this email to glance at whenever I need a little extra boost. :0). I love the image of our husbands interceding and still caring for us as well, just not physically. I like believing that too. What a comfort. Thanks again for the gift of your kind message!
An unexpected divorce, because of an adulterous partner, made a lot of us unexpected solo parents as well.
Then the fear of when the ex-spouse very rarely wants to see the kids, yet foists them on their latest partner who you have never met when they do, is a huge worry. Or he takes them to his mother’s house, when you know her house is not child safe. And you have zero control of what you children are doing/seeing when you are with the other parent. Add the let down when they fail to show up to see their kids. Solo parenting is hard, regardless of the reason. Hugs to all solo parents.
You make some great points about the challenges and heartaches of solo parenting, regardless of the reason we became solo parents. Thanks for sharing!