A few years back, I managed to work through a good deal of grief and trauma related to my husband’s suicide. I had forgiven him early on, but it took time to fully accept things. I was proud of myself when I reached this point.
Early in my grief, I focused only on his death. Like all widows, we grieve. We miss our person.
As time passed, however, I began to process how he lived. All of the horrible things he had put me through, that I simply swept under the rug for the sake of keeping the peace, started surfacing.
Reminders of who I used to be before I allowed myself to be molded into who he wanted me to be also began emerging.
I got angry.
I still missed him, and would always love him, but I was mad, and rightfully so. So when I woke up one day not mad anymore, I felt a sense of relief that I hadn’t in a long time.
As more time passed though, I got mad again.
I scolded myself for feeling that way since I thought I had already resolved everything. (Bret used to do this very thing; he’d manufacture something to be upset about, and then I’d fix whatever it was he demanded that I fix. He’d be happy for a little bit before getting mad about it all over again, thereby making me pay over and over again for whatever it was that he claimed that I had done.) Even in his death, I didn’t want to do that to him.
Upon further introspection, I figured out that I wasn’t mad about the same things I had been before. These were newly uncovered issues that hadn’t been addressed. I wasn’t committing some kind of double jeopardy – I was processing different wounds.
Not every widow will have to do this kind of processing. Still, for those of us in complicated situations, it is completely necessary to peel back all the layers and process everything as time allows.
An absolutely giant a-ha moment happened for me, just the other day when I realized that I actually like the holiday season!
It was my favorite time of the year when I was young, so what had happened to cause me to be so uncomfortable with them, years later?
While I do struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder, I am still capable of enjoying the winter season. Bret, on the other hand, didn’t like the holidays. He would almost always sabotage every holiday, birthday, or other event with a fight or some kind of rage-fueled outburst.
So it was just easier to convince myself that I was the one who disliked the holidays, rather than face the fact that we were never going to have a truly drama-free celebration.
But I like the holidays! I like Christmas! Sure, they can certainly be a depressing and stressful time of the year, but I am depressed and stressed enough the rest of the year! I am at least going to enjoy Christmas, dang it!
Because of this revelation, I am slowly reaching a whole new point of forgiveness and acceptance toward him. Again.
It is likely that more anger will re-emerge and I will have to go through the whole process yet again, but I am pleased with the progress I’ve made. I was with him for twelve years, but I will be dealing with all of this for the rest of my life.
Our lives together and how he acted behind closed doors is equally traumatic to the way he walked out the door into our garage that cold February day and never walked back in. That, in and of itself, has been quite a tough pill to swallow.
I comfort myself by knowing I’m heading into year seven of this journey with an understanding of this process. It’s not easy, but it is worth it when I am able to remember who I was before I had to take his issues upon myself.
With that, I wish everyone who celebrates, a wonderful holiday season. I am going to enjoy them openly and maybe even a little eccentrically because I only just recently realized that I can.
Image via BingAI
About Layla Beth Munk
Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.
Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.