Still Emerging

It typically takes a butterfly 7-14 days to emerge from its chrysalis.

I am past the seven-year mark now and still trying to hatch.

Before I met Bret, I was a completely different person than I am now. And that’s okay – we are supposed to change in life.

Many of my changes are not because of normal life growth, however. It’s because Bret – as much as I loved him, and always will – demanded that I change much of who I was from before he was in the picture.

At the time, I thought he was helping me become a better version of myself. While that was true to a degree, he was also chipping away at qualities within myself that didn’t need to be deleted.

Yes, I allowed it to happen, but when one is deep within that kind of relationship toxicity, it’s easy to overlook or miss altogether. I had long since been convinced that I was the one with all the issues.

It wasn’t until he had been gone for a while that I began to remember the parts of myself that were taken. Happily, I began to bring some of them back.

Seven years later, they are still coming back in waves, along with buried memories that surface to the top like little splinters that sting until dealt with.

With this emergence, comes grief that must be processed. Sure I can bring that aspect or quality back if it still fits me, but I have to deal with the fact that I willingly let it go to begin with.

When processing a relationship that was at times narcissistic, one has to wonder why, if they loved you so much, would they ever want to change you?

Bret would often tell people that I was his “dream girl.” If that was truly the case, then why was he so angry about the experiences I had in life that helped turn me into this dream girl? Why did he despise the things I liked that helped make up my entire identity?

In mourning his self-imposed exit, I learned that I have been dealing with “Complicated Grief,” as I work through his death as well as our time together.

A huge help has been allowing myself to pick back up where I left off before I met him.

I am getting reacquainted with parts of me that I thought were gone for good; I have rediscovered old hobbies and re-welcomed former interests.

Don’t get me wrong, there are newer parts of me that came about during my life with Bret, and I am happy to keep those qualities and thought patterns.

But I have been shedding other things, slowly but surely over these last years–and I don’t think I am finished yet.

It’s certainly been longer than 7-14 days, but I am happy to actively be emerging once more.

Better late than never, right?

Image via Bing AI

About Layla Beth Munk

Layla Beth Munk is a blogger & author who was thrust into this widowhood journey abruptly and tragically on February 11, 2018. Her husband of 12 years had ended his pain once and for all. She soon made the decision that she would not let his final decision define the rest of her life or their daughter’s life, so with her sense of humor at the helm, she started writing about her newfound station in life. Grief waves still get to her, and probably always will, but with the help of her fellow widows as well as friends and family, she has been able to realize her dream of becoming a published author! Layla is so grateful to Hope For Widows Foundation for providing this level of support to her, and so many others! Layla has two amazing children, one who is grown and one who is almost grown. She lives in eastern Oregon and has a wellness & beauty background. Layla enjoys writing poetry, watching anime, and homeschooling her daughter.

Her blog can be found at laylabethmunk.medium.com and her debut novella, 24 Hours in Vegas, is available on Amazon.